Saturday, May 9, 2020

Celebrity shorts: Messi's footballs (written by Lee)

This is another whacky little celebrity story from our reader Lee (author of Tom Daley's low hangers, Brandon Urie's voice trainer and Black Panther's weakness). I hope you enjoy is as much as I did! :-))

Every day, news cycles would be full of either of their achievements. Their fans battled as to who was the best. Now, it was time to decide. Messi and Ronaldo faced each other off in a private match. Honestly it wasn't even about the fans, it was for personal satisfaction. Not that the two disliked each other, they just wanted this settled.

At the hotel room they'd booked for their fight, later, Messi wondered whether the pain in his balls might have been avoided if they'd been enemies. They'd certainly have never agreed to meet. He reflected on the events of the evening. IT had started off simple enough, with dribbling competitions. Then, Messi, whose first language was not English, stood holding a sack of footballs, intending to do a kick competition. He said, with a hint of challenge in his voice, "I want you to kick my balls." Ronaldo, confused, asked him which ones he meant. "The ones in my big sack of course."

"Well I wouldn't mind."

So saying, Ronaldo drew his leg back and smashed it into the large mound between Messi's thighs. As the latter's eye's crossed and he moaned, his testicles tumbled out. What was truly remarkable was that he was not wearing shorts, but full pants. Ronaldo was amazed and therefore pulled down his pants. He was going commando, so his big dick dangled to his knees. Ronaldo was agape with shock and jealousy. Taking advantage of his foe's momentary distraction, Messi pantsed him. Inside were two little cherries with an accompanying twig. Leo tried to be nice, but couldn't stop laughing. Then, with the precision of an accomplished goal scorer, he slammed his foot into Ronaldo's groin. The result was remarkable. The Portuguese star's balls were rammed into his body.

Looking guilty, Messi apologised. "Don't just say sorry, get them out of there please. They're pressing up against my abs." Feeling bad, Messi obliged. Each punch tot he gut was agonising for Ronaldo, since it meant squashing his orbs dangerously flat. Finally, half an hour later, the (considerably more swollen) balls were knocked into their sack. Leaving a tired Ronaldo asleep, Messi left. He'd called room service and knew that they would think Ronaldo was exposing himself and punish him duly. At this thought, he laughed so hard that his pink pomegranates tumbled out. This would have been okay except they worked like a pendulum, and the wind had blown them into wet cement. In the morning, the construction all had good laugh before telling him that they were stuck forever, so he had to cut them off. Messi worked out another solution.

Till this date, Ronaldo's balls are half inside his body and Messi is forced to carry cement weights on his.


Anonymous said...

I wish you'd written a better ending. This was too abrupt.

Felix said...

I wholeheartedly agree. However, my workload has increased during these times and I knew I had to end it. I'm sorry. Thanks to Alex for featuring me anyway, despite my writing's many flaws

Anonymous said...

I really liked this concept, but I'm actually a little confused by the ending. I'm not entirely sure I follow what happened.

Felix said...

Basically, Messi hit Ronaldo so hard that cr7's balls went back into his body. After fixing the situation, Messi left, but got his nuts stuck in cement.

Felix said...

Hi Alex! Could I draw the header for my next story?

Alex said...

Sure! :-))

Buster said...

I loved this absurdist little tale ;)

Anonymous said...

Hi Felix,

What a fun little tale! Not a lot of happy endings, but sometimes you don’t always get one!

Very creative, light and but yet full of pain!



Gino and Jayden Author

Anonymous said...

Thanks, Alex, Felix, and Buster. Sorry I've been very caught up.

Felix said...

I'm such an idiot! I meant thanks Alex, Jimmy and Buster.