Monday, February 25, 2008

And the winner is...

Featured in this story: BenChadColinDannyDavid, KevLeoParkerSimonTristan, the twins and Alex (click for pictures)

The Academy Awards ceremony was about to begin.

We had assembled some chairs around the couch so everyone had a seat. Some time earlier every one of us had drawn four films (six for Danny) and throughout the show the Oscar winners would get kicks in their nuts. It was a simple premise but I was sure it would allow for some nice action…

Kev, Ben and Colin, the three cocky jockboys, were sitting on the couch. Each of them had a can of beer in his hand and they were talking about the films. Neither of them had ever watched the Oscars so they were assuming it'd be a pretty boring night. Perhaps the game would add some excitement for them...

The twins Will and Michael sat next to them and were talking to their indie friend and fellow acrobat Parker. The twins were wearing identical outfits - jeans and t-shirts - and they looked quite stunning with their blond hair, their perfect bodies and their winning smiles. Parker’s hair was dyed flaming red and he was wearing bright green jeans and a colourful t-shirt. He had his legs spread wide apart as he sat in his chair and the bulge in his crotch looked pretty inviting. I had seen the twins’ sets of genitals and I knew they had pretty huge dicks and large, low hanging balls – but from this perspective it looked like Parker could rival them…

Skaterboys Leo and Tristan – as always dressed in baggy jeans and t-shirts – were sitting on the other side of the couch.

Jesid and Simon, both of whom had gained some experience in the gay porn biz although they had never worked with each other, were laughing and having a good time. There definitely was some chemistry between the two of them. I wondered if they’d decide to leave early and spend the night together…

Danny, our struggling actor and – with ‘No country for old men’ being only one of his six films for tonight – the undisputed frontrunner, was sitting next to Jesid and Simon. A painful expression was visible on his cute face and he was rubbing his nuts that had been kicked a few minutes ago by his brother David.

David, the successful dancer, was wearing black trousers and a white shirt. He looked very attractive and I couldn’t believe this nice, polite looking young guy was such an arrogant asshole. He was talking to my cameraman Chad. Both of them were drinking a beer.

I decided to get one for myself and went to the kitchen. When I came back, Danny announced: “Come on, sit down, the show is about to begin!”

After Jon Stewart’s opening monologue Jennifer Garner took the stage and announced the nominees for Best Achievement in Costume Design: ‘Across the Universe’ (Colin), ‘Atonement’ (Jesid), ‘Elizabeth: The Golden Age’ (Tristan), ‘La Vie en Rose’ (Kev) and ‘Sweeney Todd’ (Kev).

Kev looked uncomfortable when he noticed that he had two of the nominated movies.

“Doubles your chances”, his buddy and co-nominee Colin grinned.

Finally Jennifer Garner announced: “And the first Oscar of the evening goes to Alexandra Byrne for ‘Elizabeth: The Golden Age’.”

Kev breathed a heavy sigh of relief. He looked up at the ceiling and mumbled: “Thanks.”

Tristan didn’t look quite as relieved as he realized that he was the first winner.

“So, the nominees, please decide who’s gonna do the honors…” I said.

Colin looked at Jesid and said: “We let Kev do it, okay?”

Jesid nodded.

Kev grinned and stood up. “Come here”, he said to Tristan, the cute, blond skater boy, and told him to stand with his legs spread.

He lined up his foot with Tristan’s bulging crotch, eyeing his fat target and taking aim for a nice, hard kick.

Tristan gulped. “Erm, I---“

“Sorry, buddy”, Kev chuckled, “this is my Oscar moment…”

He kicked Tristan’s crotch and his foot connected with the skater boy’s tender balls, smashing them into his pelvis and bringing a soft moan from Tristan’s lips. Kev didn’t go full force, though.

“Aw, you can do better”, Colin said disappointedly.

“The night is young”, Kev said and patted Tristan’s back.

Tristan was doubled over and massaging his beaten balls.

In the meantime, we had missed the montage of the best Oscar moment’s in the last 80 years. But we caught Steve Carrell and Anne Hathaway presenting the nominee for Best Animated Feature. The nominees were ‘Persepolis’ (David), ‘Ratatouille’ (Danny) and ‘Surf’s Up’ (Simon).

“Oh, it’s the first duel of the brothers, I’ll let you battle it out”, Simon remarked. He seemed pretty sure that his movie didn’t stand a chance. And he was right.

“And the Oscar goes to: Ratatouille”, Steve Carrell said, and Danny groaned miserably.

“Great”, David grinned and stood up. He tapped his foot and smiled at his brother. “Let’s make ratatouille out of those babymakers…”

Danny groaned, his nuts still aching from the kick for Eddie Murphie’s ‘win’ at the Razzies…

He stood in front of his brother and had his legs shoulder width apart. He sighed deeply and nodded at David.

David grinned. “Ratatouille!” he shouted and kicked his brother’s soft, meaty package in his tight jeans. His foot connected with a loud slapping thud, making the rest of the guys cringe and Danny’s eyes lose focus. He coughed and his hand slowly moved towards his groin. When they found the aching lumps in his sac, they took hold of them and cradled them, with Danny sinking down to the floor in silent agony.

The crowd cheered and David took a bow.

“Thanks, I don’t know what to say”, David said in mock-seriousness, “I wanna thank the manufacturer of those shoes” – he pointed at his shiny, black leather shoes – “and my brother Danny for being there for me and providing those squishy balls, and---“

“Music cue”, I shouted, “It’s Achievement in Make-Up!”

We watched an incredibly nervous Katherine Heigl announce the nominees: ‘La Vie en Rose’ (Kev), ‘Norbit’ (Danny) and ‘Pirates of the Caribbean 3’ (Will).

Danny was lying on the ground, not even noticing that his nuts were in danger of getting kicked again.

When the actress announced the winner – ‘La Vie en Rose’ –, Kev gulped and looked at his fellow nominees. Danny was in no state to handle out the trophy so Will stepped up to the plate and announced he was going to punch Kev in the nuts.

“Don’t you think a kick is harder?” Kev asked pretty baffled.

“We’ll see”, Will grinned and got down on one knee. He looked at Kev’s bulging crotch which was at his eye level now.

Without any further ado he formed a fist with his right hand and unceremouniously punched Kev’s pouch hard. His knuckles sunk into Kev’s nuts and knocked the wind out of his lungs. Kev shrieked loudly, prompting his buddies Colin and Ben to clap and cheer wildly.

“Fuck”, Kev screamed.

“A kick is harder?” Will grinned and sat down again, letting Kev assume the foetal position next to Danny on the floor.

The two of them had a few moments to recover during Amy Adams’ rendition of the first nominated song from ‘Enchanted’ and the commercial break.

After the break it was time for ‘Achievement in Visual Effects’. The nominees were ‘The Golden Compass’ (Parker), ‘Pirates of the Caribbean 3’ (Will) and ‘Transformers’ (Parker).

Will cleared his throat nervously.

“The odds are against you, buddy”, his red haired colleague grinned. “I’m gonna make it special – and painful…”

Will grinned nervously.

When Dwayne Johnson announced that ‘The Golden Compass’ was the winner, Will’s nervous grin turned into a wide smile and Parker was the one to be nervous, now.

The indie boy adjusted his crotch in his very tight jeans and looked at Will. “You call it”, he said sheepishly.

“Yeah”, Will grinned. “Do the splits!”


The rest of us grinned.

“Parker is an athlete, too”, I explained.

“Yeah, and a good one”, Will said. He grabbed to chairs and positioned them in the middle of the room. 
“One foot on this one, the other one on this!” he said.

“Shit”, Parker cursed. “I can’t do the splits. My pants are gonna rip apart…”

“Then lose the pants”, Will suggested with a wicked smile.

Parker shook his head but the crowd cheered for him to strip and finally Parker sighed and began to unbutton his fly. He peeled off his tight jeans and revealed that he wasn’t wearing any underwear. His cock was average but he had two quite impressive stones in his sac.

He looked miserable as he got onto the chairs, doing the splits and letting his ample goodies hang down between his wide spread legs.

“Great”, Will grinned and took a step back. “I’m gonna kick ’em, okay?”

“Well, no”, Parker mumbled.

“Nevermind”, Will grinned and kicked the red haired indie boy right in his exposed and vulnerable set of gonads.

We all saw Parker’s equipment get squished up into his body with a resounding slap and we winced at the sight. Parker moaned loudly, grabbing his balls with his hands and rolling forward to be able to close his legs and comfort his aching nuts. He collapsed on the ground under the cheers of the crowd.

While he joined Danny and Kev in the ‘writhing in pain’ club we almost missed the award for Achievement in Art Direction. The nominees were ‘American Gangster’ (Will), ‘Atonement’ (Jesid), ‘The Golden Compass’ (Parker), ‘Sweeney Todd’ (Kev) and ‘There Will Be Blood’ (David).

The winner was ‘Sweeney Todd’ and Kev moaned miserably. He was beginning to recover but the thought of having his nads mashed once more didn’t do any good for his recovery…

“Who wants to do it”, he groaned.

His fellow nominees looked at each other. Parker was in no condition to hand out the trophy so it was up to Will, David or Jesid.

“Well”, David said, “Twin #1 and I have already kicked some nuts today” – Will raised his eyebrow on the derogatory remark – “so why don’t we let that Mexican do it?”

Will shrugged and Jesid grinned.

He walked up to Kev and unceremouniously kicked his aching balls dead on.

Kev screamed and fell down to the ground again while Jesid nodded with satisfaction. The others stared at him.

“I like to keep it simple”, Jesid shrugged and said down again while Kev was writhing on the ground in renewed nutpain.

Next up was Supporting Actor. Jennifer Hudson announced the nominees: Casey Affleck (Tristan), Javier Bardem (Danny), Philip Seymore-Hoffman (Jesid), Hal Holbrook (Danny) and Tom Wilkinson (Michael).

The winner was Javier Bardem and while he was going up to the podium, Michael, the shyer one of the twins, jumped up: “I’ll kick his nuts!”

The others were okay with that and Michael walked over to Danny who was still rolling on the ground. He tapped his shoulder.

“Danny? I need your nuts…” he said.

The crowd laughed and cheered while Danny didn’t share their enthusiasm. He groaned and got up, rubbing his sore nuts in his jeans.

“Care to take them out for me?” Michael asked shyly.

“Wheew!” David cheered.

“To be honest: no…” Danny said.

“Please?” Michael smiled at him.

“Fuck!” Danny whimpered and unbuttoned his fly, letting his meaty and slightly red balls hang out of his jeans.

“Thanks”, Michael said and threw a viscous kick at Danny’s poor balls, smashing them with the tip of his foot and sending him to the ground again.

The rest of the guys cheered and clapped and Michael walked back to his seat, high-fiving everyone who stood in his path.

During the commercial break we refreshed our drinks and watched Danny nurse his naked nuts next to Kev and poor Parker who seemed to have gotten it extremely bad.

Thankfully they all got a few more moments for recovery during two quite funny montages and the performance of a song nominee by a gospel choir.

After the song had ended, it was time for the Live Action Short Film. Nobody of us had ever heard of any of the nominated movies: ‘Om natten’ (Will), ‘Il supplente’ (Chad), ‘Le Mozart des pickpockets’ (Colin), ‘Tanghi Argentini’ (Parker) and ‘The Tonto Woman’ (Leo).

Owen Wilson said: “And the Oscar goes to ‘Le Mozart des pickpockets’.”

Colin grimaced. “Okay, who’s gonna do it?”

Leo raised his hand and his fellow nominees nodded.

Leo walked up to Colin who stood with his legs spread wide apart. He adjusted his crotch and looked at Leo. He didn’t seem to be very intimidated by that the skinny skater boy.

“Do it”, he said.

Leo walked around him. “I’m gonna kick you from here.”

“Okay”, Colin shrugged. “Whatev---“

He was cut short by a thunderous nutshot. Leo’s sneakers flattened his poor nuts visibly, bringing a shrill shreak from his mouth and causing his eyes to cross slightly.

“Bastard”, Colin shrieked and grabbed his agonized orbs, sinking to the ground in pain while Leo grinned with satisfaction.

“Good one!” his buddy Tristan shouted and Leo smiled at him.

He didn’t have time to celebrate, though, as the nominees for Animated Short Film were announced now: ‘I Met the Walrus’ (Jesid), ‘Madame Tutli-Putli’ (Chad), ‘Même les pigeons vont au paradis’ (Will), ‘Moya lyubov’ (Ben) and ‘Peter & the Wolf’ (Leo).

“No”, Leo whispered when he heard that his movie had won.

Colin shouted to his dorm buddy: “Ben, get him back!”

Ben nodded and looked at his fellow nominees. They all grinned and Ben walked over to the cute, skinny skater boy.

“Erm”, Leo tried to smile, “be gentle, please?”

Ben smiled back. “Yeah, right. Spread ‘em!”

Leo cleared his throat and spread his legs.

Ben had strong, muscular legs and he didn’t even have to take running start to leave a lasting impression on Leo’s nuts. He bashed them with the tip of his foot, catching both of Leo’s balls and crushing them hard.

Leo yelped in pain and sank to the ground.

“Thanks, Ben”, Colin moaned, still nursing his nuts.

Ben shrugged. “Anytime.”

Next up was Supporting Actress and last year’s winner Alan Arkin came out to announce the nominees: Cate Blanchett (Michael), Ruby Dee (Will), Saoirse Ronan (Jesid) Amy Ryan (Simon) and Tilda Swinton (Michael).

When Tilda Swinton’s name was announced, Michael winced.

“Let me!” Will shouted.

“Wait”, Simon intervened. “You always get to kick your brother’s nuts. Let me do it!”

Will looked at him. “Okay. But make it a good one!”

Simon grinned and took off his shoes.

Michael raised his eyebrows. “What are you doing?”

Simon looked up at him. “I’m gonna kick your naked nuts with my naked foot. You’ll have to take off your jeans for that.”

Michael laughed. “No way.”

The crowd booed – Michael’s twin brother Will being the loudest protester…

“Come on”, Simon smiled at Michael.

Will shouted: “Do it – or we’ll make you!”

“Yeah!” the crowd roared.

Michael cursed and started to take off his jeans. “That’s unfair!”

“It’s just a game”, Will shouted at his twin brother.

“Yeah, a game with my nuts”, Michael mumbled. He threw his jeans away and showed us his long cock and his large, meaty nuts. “Happy now?”

The guys cheered and Will grinned: “Not yet…”

Simon had taken off his shoes and stood in front of Michael. He looked him in the eyes and grinned. Then he swung his naked foot into Michael’s sac, catching his fat nuts with his naked instep and crunching them with a loud slap.

We all winced at the sound.

“Ouch”, Will grimaced.

Michael’s mouth formed an O and his eyebrow twitched. No sound came from his lips and he stood frozen for a few seconds. Then the full effect of the kick hit him and he started to moan, softly at first, then louder and louder, until a blood-curdling scream filled the room and he fell to the floor, grabbing his nuts and joining Parker, Danny, Leo and Kev in a choir of painful groaning.

Simon turned around and sat down again. “That was good, wasn’t it?” he said to Jesid who was sitting next to him. Jesid nodded.

During the commercial break Kev and Leo had recovered from their hits. They sat down again, massaging their balls and grimacing from time to time. Parker and Michael on the other hand were still lying on the ground, both naked from the waist down, groaning in pain and nursing their precious nuts. Danny was stuffing his nuts back into the fly of his jeans whe the nominees for Adapted Screenplay were announced: ‘Atonement’ (Jesid), ‘Away from Her’ (Danny), ‘The diving bell and the Butterfly’ (Jesid), ‘No Country for Old Men’ (Danny) and ‘There will be Blood’ (David).

“No”, Danny whimpered, when ‘No Country for Old Men’ was announced as the winner.

Jesid sighed with relief.

“Yes”, his brother David grinned and turned to Jesid: “May I?”

“Of course”, Jesid said.

“Get those nuts out again”, David said to Danny.

“No”, Danny shook his head.

“Yes!” David said and grabbed his brother’s fly roughly. He opened the buttons and reached inside, yanking Danny’s poor balls out into the open.

“I’m gonna get you back”, Danny frowned at his brother.

“Now I’m gonna get you”, David smiled, clenched his right fist and punched his brother’s ample nuts hard. He crushed Danny’s exposed nuggets into the buttons of his jeans, bringing a shrill scream from Danny and causing him to fall to the ground instantly.

“Welcome back”, Parker moaned when Danny hit the ground next to him.

Danny cursed and groaned and massaged his balls while David grinned and walked back to his seat. “This is fun”, he said.

During a rather unfunny 'funny montage' and the next song rendition from ‘Enchanted’, we all had time to watch half naked Parker and half naked Michael nurse their beaten nuts next to Danny whose reddened balls hung out from the fly of his jeans.

Parker recovered during the commercial break and put his tight jeans back on. “Man, you really hit me hard”, he said to Will.

“Yeah, you were on the ground for an eternity”, Will grinned.

Next up were presenters Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill impersonating Halle Berry and Dame Judy Dench. They announced the nominees for Sound Editing: ‘Bourne Ultimatum’ (Tristan), ‘No Country for Old Men’ (Danny), ‘Ratatouille’ (Danny), ‘There Will Be Blood’ (David) and ‘Transformers’ (Parker).

‘The Bourne Ultimatum’ won and Parker said. “Great: It’s my turn, now.”

David nodded. We looked at Danny but he didn’t seem to mind.

Parker walked up to skater boy Tristan and looked him into the eyes. “I’m gonna squeeze them”, he said with a smile.

Tristan raised his eyebrow. “Do I---“

“No, you don’t have to do anything”, Parker interrupted him and reached into Tristan’s baggy jeans with his right hand. From the look on Tristan’s face we could guess he had found the boy’s nuggets. We saw Parker’s muscles twitch in synch with the twitching on Tristan’s face when Parker kneaded his balls in his hands.

Tristan made a series of yelping sounds while Parker explained to us what he was doing. “Squeeze, release, let him think it’s over, squeeze again, pinch his left nut, then his right one, release – and: TWIST!” With the last word Tristan’s eyes grew wide. He whimpered softly and Parker withdrew his hand. He gave Tristan a hard nut slap, sending him to the ground.

We were impressed with Parker’s performance.

Parker grinned and sat back down while the show continued with the nominees for Sound Mixing: ‘The Bourne Ultimatum’ (Tristan), ‘No Country for Old Men’ (Danny), ‘Ratatouille’ (Danny), ‘3:10 to Yuma’ (Michael), ‘Transformers’ (Parker).

It was ‘The Bourne Ultimatum’ again and Parker grinned widely. He looked at his friend Michael and raised his eyebrows. Michael grinned back and nodded.

“Great, some workout for my left hand”, Parker said and told Tristan to stand up. Tristan looked miserable.
Parker reached into Tristan’s jeans again, now with his left hand. And he didn’t seem to be less capable to do some damage with that hand. Tristan’s face was contorted with pain as Parker repeated his routine: “Squeeze, release, let him think it’s over, squeeze again, pinch his left nut, then his right one, release – and: TWIST!”

Now instead of a soft whimper Tristan screamed from the top of his lungs. And he didn’t need a slap to send him to the ground. As soon as Parker had retracted his hand Tristan sank down.

“Wow, I didn’t know you’re an ambidexter!” Michael said.

Parker grinned and nodded. “It’s just a matter of practice…”

Now last year’s Best Actor Forest Whitaker announced the nominees for Best Actress: Cate Blanchett (Tristan), Julie Christie (Danny), Marion Cotillard (Kev), Laura Linney (me) and Ellen Page (Leo).

When Marion Cotillard was announced and the music from ‘La vie en rose’ played, Kev groaned miserably. I looked around: Danny and Tristan were on the ground, so it was up to me or Leo.

Leo smiled sweetly and I decided to let him have his way with Kev.

Leo jumped up and cheered. Kev sighed and spread his legs. His targets were clearly visible in his pants. 
Leo patted Kev’s crotch and grinned.

“Kick em already”, Kev said impatiently.

“Okay”, Leo shrugged and took a step back. His sneaker connected with Kev’s meaty balls and made him double over and grab his nuts. “Happy now?”

“Very”, Kev coughed and sat back down.

We used the following commercial break, the performance of the song from ‘Once’ and the ’79 best pictures’ montage to refresh our drinks. When Renee Zellweger announced the nominees for Film Editing Tristan and Danny had slightly recovered and taken their seats again.

‘The Bourne Ultimatim’ won again and it was between Jesid, Danny and David to crunch Tristan's nuts. Danny and David started to quarrel over who should do it. We all watched them both so we didn’t notice Jesid walking up to Tristan and kicking his nuts hard.

It wasn’t before we heard the sound of the impact and the following scream that we turned around and saw Tristan crossing his eyes and falling to the floor. Jesid smiled at us and shrugged. We all laughed – except for Tristan who was the only one lying on the ground now. Who would’ve thought that ‘The Bourne Ultimatum’ would do this good?

During the Honorary Award presentation we teased Tristan and joked about his pain. As a skater you should be used to ball pain, shouldn’t you?

After another commercial break Penelope Cruz announced the nominees for Foreign Picture: ‘Beaufort’ (Leo), ‘Die Fälscher’ (Michael), ‘Katyn’ (Ben), ‘Mongol’ (me) and ‘12’ (Chad). Austria won for ‘Die Fälscher’ and Michael groaned.

“Damn Austrians”, he mumbled. He had put his jeans back on now and rubbed his bulge.

We had a minor discussion abou who was going to hand the trophy to Michael. Chad and both hadn’t had the chance to hit anyone up till now. In the end I agreed that my cameraman Chad had a go.

He nudged Michael’s nuts a few times with the tip of his foot. Then he stopped and grinned. “No”, he said and turned around.

Michael rolled his eyes but was interrupted when Chad’s heel connected with his precious babymakers. It crushed Michael’s nuts hard and stomped them up into his pelvis.

“Ow”, Michael shrieked.

Chad grinned proudly and walked over to me.

“Good work”, I grinned and high-fived him.

Michael sank to the ground in pain, nursing his sore package.

Next up was another song performance followed by the announcement of the winner: ‘Once’ (me) beat out three songs from ‘Enchanted’ (Danny) and the gospel one from ‘August Rush’ (Ben).

I gulped. I was happy for the two singer-songwriters. On the other hand: Now it was me...

The crowd cheered and Ben and Danny both jumped up at the chance to hurt my precious genitalia.

“Let me do it”, Danny said. “I’ve suffered so much tonight…”

“But I haven’t done anything so far”, Ben, the cocky jockboy, countered. “I’m bored!”

They agreed to flip a coin. Ben won.

“Yes!” he shouted and his dorm buddies Kev and Colin cheered.

“Make him take off his jeans”, David shouted.

I shook my head. “No.”

“Come on”, Danny said.

I sighed deeply and stripped to the cheers of the crowd.

“And the briefs, too”, Ben grinned.

“Yeah!” the rest of the guys shouted and clapped.

I blushed. With another deep sigh I capitulated and took off my black briefs, presenting my decent sized dick and fat, round balls to the crowd.

“Turn around”, Ben ordered.

I did as I was told.

“Now bend over.”

I hesitated and looked over my shoulder.

Bend over”, Ben repeated.

I bent down until my hand touched the ground. Ben ordered me to spread my legs so my vulnerable manhood hung low between my ass cheeks.

“Make some noise”, Ben addressed the crowd and turned to me again. I saw him through my legs and everything happened in slow motion. He took a running start and sent his foot crashing into my soft, sensitive jewels. He flattened them into my pelvis and it felt as if he had pulverized them. Both of my nuts sent emergency signals, painfully radiating through my brain.

I crashed to the ground and whimpered. The room was filled with the happy cheers of the guys. Everyone was clapping and shouting, even my cameraman Chad had the time of his life seeing my babymakers smashed to pieces.

“Right in the golden globes”, Ben shouted, laughing hysterically.

It took me a few minutes until I could even sit up. When the commercial break ended I was still in pain but at least I could move again…

After the break host Jon Stewart brought the girl from the singer-songwriter team back on stage. Apparently she hadn’t had a chance to say her thank yous and he gave her time to do that now. A very gracious and touching thing and a wonderful Oscar moment, but frankly I had other things to worry about – my chance of fathering children, for example.

When Stewart brought that girl on stage again, Danny shouted: “Then I’ll get a kick at Alex’ nuts, too!”

“What?” I groaned.

“Well, if they can make an exception, we can, too!” he said.

“No”, I moaned but I my voice was drowned by cheerful approval.

“Let’s vote”, Danny said.

It was unanimous: Danny would get a kick, too.

He helped me stand up and positioned himself in front of me.

The guys were clapping rhythmically, drowning out the girl’s acceptance speech.

Danny grinned and looked me in the eyes. With a swift and sudden motion he jerked up his knee. My nuts felt like they had exploded again and I collapsed on the floor.

The guys cheered and clapped but I was busy nursing my battered balls and trying to breathe.

I didn’t even notice that Cameron Diaz was giving out the Cinematography Oscar until I saw cute dancer David fall down to the floor next to me. Apparently his brother had repeated the move on him with equally devastating results. David and I were breathing heavily and trying to reduce the pain by massaging our poor nuts.

It took us the whole Memorial Montage to recover slightly. Danny had successfully refused to take off his jeans so his balls hadn’t suffered the same impact as mine.

During the commercial break I put my jeans back on and Danny and I took our seats. I sure hoped that the rest of my films fared worse with the Academy…

Next up was Original Score. The nominees were ‘Atonement’ (Jesid), ‘The kite runner’ (Simon), ‘Michael Clayton’ (Michael), ‘Ratatouille’ (Danny) and ‘3:10 to Yuma’ (Michael).

‘Atonement’ won and Jesid grabbed his crotch in anticipation. Michael convinced the others that since he had a double nomination it was his right to hit the cute Mexican’s nuts.

He went at it right away and kicked Jesid’s bulging package with a rapid motion. Apparently Michael should have taken more time, because while Jesid screamed he didn’t fall down or double over. He just rubbed his groin and said: “Ow.”

“You blew it!” Michael’s twin brother Will shouted. “Fuck, you’re so lame…”

Michael rolled his eyes.

“I think you did a good job”, Jesid grinned and sat down.

Michael shrugged. “Sorry.”

The winner in the Documentary Short category was ‘Freeheld’, and me, Kev or Simon had the privilege of congratulating Colin on his win.

Since Kev was Colin’s buddy we decided that it was up to him.

Kev grinned and stood in front of Colin. Then he turned around and looked at Parker. “I think I’ll try to do the same you did…”

Parker laughed and Colin paled.

Kev reached inside Colin’s jeans and grabbed his balls.

“Wait”, I said. “We don’t see your hand. What if you cheat and Colin just makes a funny face?”

Colin sighed. “I won’t.”

“I don’t know”, I said. “take off your pants and let him squeeze your naked balls!”

Colin sighed again and did as he was told, exposing his package and revealing a nice pair of balls in a hairy sac.

“Ew”, Kev grimaced. “You should start shaving…”

Colin rolled his eyes.

Kev grabbed Colin’s nuts and squeezed hard, bringing a loud moan from his buddy’s lips. Kev continued squeezing and kneading Colin’s balls between his fingers until Colin whimpered “Stop, please” and sank to the ground.

Kev shrugged. “That was okay. But I think I prefer kicking…”

The nominees for Documentary Feature were ‘No End in Sight’ (Parker), ‘Operation Homecoming’ (David), ‘Sicko’ (David), ‘Taxi to the Dark Side’ (Kev) and ‘War Dance’ (Tristan).

‘Taxi to the Dark Side’ won and Parker stepped up to Kev.

“It’s fun, Kev. I’ll show you how it’s done”, Parker grinned and Kev gulped.

Parker unbuttoned Kev’s fly and reached into his briefs with both of his hands.

He looked Kev in the eyes and grinned: “Squeeze, release, let him think it’s over, squeeze again, pinch his left nut, then his right one, release – and: TWIST!”

Kev cried out and grabbed his balls, falling down to the floor next to his buddy Colin.

“That’s how it’s done”, Parker grinned and took his seat again.

After the commercial break Harrison Ford presented the nominees for Original Screenplay: ‘Juno’ (Leo), ‘Lars and the Real Girl’ (Colin), ‘Michael Clayton’ (Michael), ‘Ratatouille’ (Danny) and ‘The Savages’ (me).

When Diablo Cody won for Juno, Leo nodded.

“Okay, who wants to have a go at my balls?” he asked.

When Michael stood up, Will started to intervene: “Come on, you blew it with Jesid and you’ll blow it with Leo!”

Michael looked at Danny and me. We shrugged so Michael went over to Leo.

He grabbed the waistband of Leo’s sagging jeans and yanked them down, exposing his boxers. He yanked those down as well and pointed to Leo’s large eggs.

Leo blushed.

“See”, Michael said to his brother. “Those are the targets and I’ll crush them…”

Leo gulped.

Michael grinned at Leo and said: “Don’t worry, I’ll get them good…”
Leo smiled nervously.

Michael took his time to watch Leo’s low hanging balls. Then, with deadly accuracy and in a powerful motion, he placed his kick. The tip of his shoe connected with both of Leo’s ripe balls and flattened them, crunching them good and proper, and making the crowd cheer with approval.

Even Will was clapping as Leo coughed and moaned and grabbed his aching balls. He doubled over, his hands comforting his pummelled nuts.

“How was I?” Michael asked him.

“Perfect”, the skinny skater boy coughed.

“Both of them?”




Michael turned to his brother. “See?” he grinned and sat down.

There were three awards left.

Helen Mirren walked on stage and announced the nominees for Best Actor: George Clooney (Michael), Daniel Day-Lewis (Danny), Johnny Depp (Kev), Tommy Lee Jones (Ben) and Viggo Mortensen (Chad).
When Daniel Day-Lewis won, Danny cheered. “Yes, can I please kick my brother’s balls again? Please?”

David grimaced when there were no objections and Danny threw him a vicious grin.

“Your nuts are gonna be mush”, Danny smiled and told his brother to spread his legs.

David obliged with a bored expression on his face and Danny sighed deeply, visibly enjoying the opportunity to kick his brother’s nuts to oblivion.

He kicked at his balls but didn’t connect with his balls, hitting his ass with the tip of his foot instead.

David winced but grinned when he noticed that his precious balls had been left relatively unharmed.

“Fuck!” Danny cursed.

“Sorry, brother”, David grinned.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck…” Danny continued.

David patted his back. “Perhaps ‘There will be Blood’ will win Director and Movie and you’ll get another chance.” He grinned. “On the other hand, maybe not…”

After the next commercial break Martin Scorsese presented the Director award. The nominees were Julian Schnabel (Jesid), Jason Reitman (Leo), Tony Gilroy (Michael), Joel & Ethan Coen (Danny) and Paul Thomas Anderson (David).

Scorsese opened the envelope. “And the Oscar goes to Joel Coen and Ethan Coen. No Country for Old Men…”

Danny groaned.

David smiled at him.

He took a step back and lined up his foot. Danny spread his legs to allow his brother to make perfect contact. Then David brought it up and sank it into Danny’s valuables, making Danny howl with pain and double over.

“Yes!” David cheered. “And I even liked the film…”

Danny started to walk over to his seat but David stopped him. “I think you can stay right here and wait for the Grand Prize…”

Danny moaned and rubbed his sore balls.

When Denzel Washington announced that ‘No Country for Old Men’ had won Best Picture, Danny moaned louder.

David grinned. “Seems like today is not your lucky day…”

Danny looked defeated.

His brother ordered him to take off his jeans and briefs and he didn’t even argue. He stood in front of his cute brother, his legs spread apart, his naked dick and plump, sore balls hanging out in the open.
“Someone have a camera? I’d like to have a picture of that. I’ll hang it in my living room”, David grinned.

We didn’t know if he was serious until he repeated the question.

Chad chuckled and got his photo camera.

“Make sure to get his facial expression when I kick his nuts in”, David said and walked around Danny.

Danny looked miserable.

“Okay, ready?” David looked at Chad.

Chad nodded.

“Good. One, two, three.” On ‘three’ David’s shoe connected with Danny’s naked, exposed balls, crushing them up into his pelvis and flattening them. We all winced at the sight but we had to admire the accuracy and the perfection of the kick. It was dead on. Both of Danny’s nice, plump nuts were crushed and I assumed they were going to be out of order for the next couple of weeks.

The expression on Danny’s face was a sight to behold. His eyes slightly crossed, his mouth forming an O, his lower lip trembling and his eyebrows raised up a bit as if he was trying to say: “Why?” He wasn’t even able to grab his poor nuts.

The silence that had set in after the splatting noise of the impact was broken by a roar of approval, started by the jock fraction of the crowd, Kev, Colin and Ben. The others joined in, clapped and cheered, and Danny took a bow.

The he stood next to his brother who was still frozen in pain. He put his arm around him and smiled into Chad’s camera.

When Chad had taken a photo, David grinned, looked at Danny and flicked his sore nuts with his finger. That broke the spell and Danny collapsed on the ground, moaning and sobbing.

David grinned at me: “That was fun! Let’s do it again next year!”


Anonymous said...

Wow, just wow. Totally loved that story and its probably the best Ive read so far. I love that you had everyone together in it and that you actually got kicked yourself, good to know your not biased. :)

The ending was amazing and the flick to make him fall was great. Keep writing please because you have real talent.

Alex said...

Thank you! I'm quite pleased with it, too. It was funny doing a story where I had very little influence on who would get it...