Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Ryan goes down

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Cool intentions

Two days ago, Ryan Phillippe, 33 year old actor, ex-husband of Reese Whitherspoon and all-around hottie, was here at our studio. Ryan is gonna be our first Special Guest Star, and thanks to our model and actor Danny, who happened to have met him on a movie set, he agreed to work with us.

On his first visit, I made a somewhat underwhelming impression, coming off as an ineloquent, lethargic idiot. But at least Ryan took the opportunity to show off his ballbusting skills, kicking my nuts expertly and showing no remorse at all. Good for him, bad for the guys who will co-star with him, and certainly very bad for my balls…

Anyway, he left a DVD for me and hinted that the contents might be of interest.

There was a small, white label on the DVD: “IGD - Outtakes”.

I popped the DVD into the player. There was one file on the DVD, named “IGD Ryan and Kieran”. The video started without any titles or credits. It seemed like it was some private DVD that was not intended for commercial use.


A movie set appears on screen. Some kind of apartment or loft in the backround, some chairs and technical moviemaking equipment in the foreground. The camera is static.

A few people are standing in the set, I recognize Kieran Culkin, so the footage was probably filmed on the “Igby Goes Down” set. A woman is applying make-up to Kieran’s face, a man who looks like he is in his late thirties – the director? – is talking to him.

Ryan enters the frame from the side, and everybody but Kieran leaves.

The director sits down, his chair is half-visible in the frame. He shouts a few instructions, a voice from the off asks for silence. Then Kieran and Ryan start reciting some dialogue, something earnest and serious about their family being in trouble.

Suddenly, in the middle of a sentence, Ryan backslaps Kieran in the crotch.

The cute blond actor yelps and doubles over.

Ryan laughs and covers his own crotch in order not to fall victim to a counter attack.

But Kieran is in no condition to get revenge. He moans and grabs his groin, while Ryan laughs his ass off.

Laughter is heard from all sides, and the director chuckles and shouts, “Okay, guys, Ryan and Kieran are off to it. Once again. Let’s have a break. Five minutes.”

He gets up and walks toward the two actors.

Kieran is still doubled over, grimacing in pain.

The director pats Ryan’s shoulder and says something inaudible that makes both Ryan and Kieran laugh.

He pretends to backslap Ryan’s nuts.

Ryan winces, then the three of them laugh, and the director leaves the set.

Ryan is standing opposite his co-star, grinning and making fun of him, while Kieran rubs his crotch.

“Fuck”, Kieran hisses.

You wish“, Ryan laughs.

Then, out of nowhere, Kieran lunges at Ryan, and they fall to the ground and wrestle for a few moments. Each of them tries to get the upper hand, before Kieran lands a solid punch at Ryan’s gonads, making the cute actor shriek and curl up in the foetal position.

Both of them are on the ground, Kieran sitting and grinning, Ryan lying and moaning.

Both of them rub their aching crotches, but Ryan’s fresh ball-pain is clearly more urgent than Kieran’s.

Now it’s Kieran’s turn to make fun of Ryan.

He teases him and playfully slaps his face.

Ryan makes muffled noises, holding his groin, and writhing on the ground.

A few seconds later, Kieran gets up. He holds out his hand to help Ryan. Both of them stand now, but Ryan is still doubled over.

The director comes into frame.

“Got him back?” he asks.

“Sure”, Kieran grins.


Another man, in his late twenties or early thirties, appears behind Ryan. He holds his index finger in front of his mouth, telling Kieran and the director to keep quiet. All of a sudden, he grabs Ryan from behind, holding his arms in a firm grip behind his back.

“Open season”, he shouts, and roughly two dozen people appear, cheering and laughing.

“I go first”, Kieran grins and slaps Ryan’s balls hard.

The crowd cheers, drowning out Ryan’s scream of pain.

Kieran stands on the side, while guy after guy (and a few very cheerful girls) deliver slap after punch after slap after punch into Ryan’s poor crotch. Kieran cheers them on, finding encouraging words for everyone. “Good one… Yay... Oooh, that has to hurt… Nice… Ouch… Go harder!”

Ryan’s responses are far less positive. He moans in pain, he laughs a few times, when somebody gets in a particularly good hit, and he screams a few times, when somebody gets in an ever better hit…

After every guy and every girl has delivered at least one punch – a few of them going for seconds and thirds – the guy holding Ryan shouts, “Could somebody take over?”

Kieran and the director take his position, holding Ryan’s arms and his legs.

The guy walks around Ryan and grins at him.

Ryan is smiling weakly.

Then, with painful precision and impressive force, he kicks Ryan’s crotch. His sneakers sink into the bulge in Ryan’s skimpy trousers, crushing his testicles into his pelvis, and making Ryan whimper in pain.

Kieran and the director laugh along with the rest of the crew. They let go of Ryan and he slowly falls to the ground, holding his battered testicles and coughing a few times.

He curls up in a little ball and moans, “Good work, guys… I don’t think Reese will be pleased, though…”

The crowd cheers.

The director laughs and looks at his watch. “Okay, let’s call it a night. We’ll start again tomorrow. Good night.”

The crowd disperses, leaving only Ryan and Kieran in the frame.

Kieran smirks at his co-star and bends down to him. “Got beat at your own game, huh?”

Ryan chuckles weakly and coughs.

Suddenly, his hand shoots up and hits Kieran’s balls from below.

Kieran moans and collapses next to Ryan.

“But I still know how to play…”

The DVD stops.


Apparently Ryan is just the right guy to be our first Special Guest Star. And I wonder whether Kieran feels like following suit…


Anonymous said...

enough with the women

Alex said...

Thanks for your comment. I'll try to include less women in the stories. But I guess you can't avoid meeting a few of them... :-)