Sunday, February 8, 2009

Charity Nutshot Festival: The gala

Last year, I started a story that was pretty much dead on arrival. Well, as I don’t like to leave things hanging in the air, this is the final part where I try to wrap things up (and shamelessly pretend that there were more parts than I actually wrote...).

 When Chad entered the theater, I couldn’t help but smile.

My cameraman was wearing a tuxedo, and he looked like he was seriously embarrassed. Usually, he liked to wear sweat pants or jeans, and t-shirts. He was a sloppy dresser, and sometimes I wondered whether he was color-blind. In the summer, he liked to combine aloha shirts with off-color shorts, and in the winter, he wore sweaters that had been fashionable two decades ago. Strangely, whatever he wore, it didn’t make him look bad. In fact, it somehow made him look even more attractive.

I walked over to him and complimented him on his clothes.

“I don’t think I can pull off wearing a tux”, he mumbled.

“What are you talking about?” I chuckled. “Look at us, we look great!”

“It just doesn’t look good on me…” Chad turned to me and raised his eyebrows. “It doesn’t look good on you, either.”

I was speechless.

“We gotta let the people in”, Chad said and walked to the doors.

“Alright”, I said slowly.

Throughout December and January, we had managed to raise thousands of dollars for charity. Every one of our models had helped, doing what they did best, getting hit in the nuts.

Today, we were going to present the money to the heads of a charitable organisation.

I had put Simon in charge of choosing the organisation. It had been his idea, and I knew that he would choose a worthy cause.

We were at a local movie theater with a large stage in front of the screen and room for 500 people. Its owner, a friendly guy in his late thirties named Gus, had taken part in one of the events, and he had offered to host tonight’s gala.

I walked backstage as the doors opened and the guests entered the room.

I knocked on first door on the left where, a couple of hours earlier, I had glued a golden star to the wooden surface.

“Come in”, a voice from within said.

I opened the door. “We are letting the people in”, I said.

Zac nodded. “Fifteen minutes?” he asked.

“Yup”, I said, closed the door again, and walked into the audience area where the guests took their seats.

A couple of months ago, Zac Efron had been our special guest star. Things had gotten out of hand (and they hadn’t been very well-planned to begin with), resulting in an awkward situation for all of us.

I’m not good at holding grudges, and I felt very sorry about what had happened, so I tried to reconcile with Zac. He had rebuffed us the first couple of times, but finally I had met with him over coffee, and we had managed to have a very pleasant conversation.

When I had asked him whether he would consider being the host for our Charity Nutshot Festival Gala, he had immediately agreed to do it.

“Hey, Alex”, Simon said, giving me a hug.

“How are you? You look great!” I smiled, taking a step back to appreciate Simon’s tuxedo.

Simon smiled shyly. “Thanks, so do you.”

I noticed two men in their late twenties standing behind Simon. “Hi, I’m Alex”, I said, shaking their hands.

“Rod”, one of them said. Dressed formally, with rimless glasses and dark brown hair, he looked like a bank accountant.

“I’m Dick”, the second one said. He was a bit taller than Rod, with short blond hair and a serious expression on his face.

“Rod and Dick are the representatives of the charity”, Simon explained.

“Rod and Dick”, I repeated, suppressing the urge to make a sophomoric joke.

Simon winked at me.

The two reps didn’t look like they thought their names were funny, so I tried to change the subject.

“Zac Efron is the host of the show”, I explained. “You sit down in the front row and Zac will introduce you right at the beginning. You will get the cheque and then we’ll have a bit of entertainment.”

Rod and Dick nodded.

After they had taken their seats in the front row, sitting next to Simon, I walked backstage, knocked on Zac’s door and stuck my head in. “The representatives of the charity are called Rod and Dick”, I said.

Zac laughed out loud. “Really?”

I nodded.

“Really?!” Zac chuckled.

I grinned. “Couldn’t believe it, either.”

“Great. I’m gonna have fun with that…”

I looked at my watch. “We can start whenever you’re ready.”

Zac nodded. “Okay. Let’s go.”

I told the DJ to play a fanfare.

Then, Zac took to the stage.

He was greeted with polite applause.

“Thank you”, Zac said, smiling. “Thank you very much. I’m Zac Efron and I’ll be your host tonight.”

I looked at Rod and Dick in the front row. They didn’t seem to be very impressed.

After a funny opening monologue that went down very well with the audience, Zac introduced Rod and Dick with a series of double entendres that drew laughter from the crowd and frowns from both Rod and Dick.

The two guys walked onstage and Zac asked them, “Could you tell us a little bit about your charity?”

Rod nodded. “For five years, we---“

“Maybe”, Zac interrupted him, smiling. “Tell us the name of it first…”

Rod nodded again. “We’re representing the National Network Against Violence Against Male Reproductive Organs For Comedic Purposes In Popular Culture.”



“The NNAVAMROFCPIPC’s goal”, Rod continued, “is to ban testicular violence against men from the TV screen, from movie theaters, from video games, cartoons, plays and radio shows.”

“And we are very happy”, Dick chimed in, “that you have decided to support us in our fight.” He looked into the audience. “Most of you are men, there are not very many women in here, so I’m pretty sure you know what we are talking about.”

“We see gratuitous violence against male reproductive organs every day”, Rod explained. “The oh-so-funny shot to the testicles in a commercial, the low blow in comedy movies, accompanied by a presumably hilarious sound effect and some funny music.” Rod’s facial expression looked like he had borrowed it from a grieving widow. “This has got to end. With your help, we will fight! No more bruised balls! No more senseless destruction of testicles!”

Zac had an amused expression on his face.

After an initial moment of hesitation, the audience erupted in cheers and applause.

“Yeah! Show them!” someone yelled.

“Save our balls!” another one started chanting. “Save our balls!”

Soon, everybody in the room had joined in. “Save our balls! Save our balls!”

Zac chuckled. “Thank you, Dick. Thank you, Rod.”

Dick and Rod nodded and walked back to their seats.

“And now, gentlemen”, Zac announced, grinning. “We’ll show you the greatest hits of the Charity Nutshot Festival!”

I watched Rod and Dick closely.

Zac stepped away and a film started rolling on the big screen.

Chad had done a great job editing the footage that we had shot throughout the last two months.

The twins were seen sitting side by side on two bowling alleys, their legs spread wide apart, smiling at the camera as bowling balls collided with their nuts. Their faces contorted in pain as, above them, a signboard reading “STRIKE!!!” started flashing.

Then, Kev winked at the camera. The camera panned down his naked body, closing in on his hard cock and his dangling gonads just as they were nailed by a hard kick with a boot-clad foot.

Young soccer star Phil had set up a booth on a soccer field. At least one hundred guys stood in line to kick a ball at Phil’s crotch while the British lad was tied up in the goal. Phil smiled at the camera before a direct hit to his testicles wiped the smile of his face.

There was footage of Cal and Brandon, Ben, Zach, George, almost everybody involved with our site.

At the end of the ten minutes clip, Chad had edited half a minute of rapid-fire shots, complete with hilarious sound effects and funny music.

I chuckled.

“That’s it”, Zac said after the clip had ended. “Thank you very much! I’m pretty sure Rod and Dick will be around for some time. Maybe you will be able to convince them that nutshots are funny…”

The audience laughed as Rod and Dick gulped, blushing.

As soon as the light had gone up, I headed for Simon and whispered, “What the hell---”

“They are hot”, Simon grinned.

“Dick and Rod?!” I asked incredulously.

Simon nodded, licking his lips. “I’m sorry, I’ll have to go.”

I watched as Simon walked towards Rod and Dick, putting his hands on their shoulders.

An hour later, I was talking to Chad.

“Great job”, I said. “I really liked the clip.”

“Thanks”, Chad grinned. He pointed at the stage where Rod, Dick, Simon and Zach had stripped down to their underwear and started a game of nutball.

“Rod is winning”, I chuckled when I saw him score a vicious blow to Zach’s manhood.

Chad laughed. “Maybe he wants to join our team?”


Anonymous said...

I laughed so hard when I learned the Charity name.

Alex said...

Thank you! I'm glad the name made you laugh... :-)))

Carter said...

But why would they want to do something so horrible?
If anything there should be more nutshots!
I was just watching a movie where the bad guys threatened a man's testicles but did not actually hurt them.
Then one of the heros got a bad guy on the ground amd stood over him. The bad guy had a clear shot at his sack, but chose to bite the hero's ankle instead.
We did get one nut shot though, and we didn't even get to see a good reaction. It was against some random nameless villain.

Alex said...

I agree 100%! More nutshots for everyone! :-))