Seriously, Dude Where is My Car? written by Jimmy and Secret Writer

 

Seriously, Dude Where is My Car?!

By: Jimmy & Secret Writer

Staring: Sean William Scott
Ashton Kutcher

Dear Ballbusting Boys Community,

I found this little gem that I wrote with another writer that did not want to be named. I hope that you enjoy it, it's very silly. I do not own the characters, nor have I worked with these two actors, but it was still a fun tale to write. Have a great weekend everyone!

Sincerely,

Jimmy

            I am standing in a cluttered dressing room getting dressed for today’s shooting, I look around and cannot help but getting pissed off. It is barely bigger then a trailer and it is also where all the movies props are kept so it gets pretty cluttered. It wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for Ashton Kutcher. He thinks he is some kind of huge star now and really let it go to his head.
            Ashton Kutcher walks in his trailer like he is king of the world. He knows how great of an actor he is and how far he has come. He looks over at Seann William Scott and can't help but laugh. Seann is just not as good as him. Seann must know that he, Ashton Kutcher has two television shows under his belt and has been staring in his own movies. Seann has not. He must be super jealous. "Hey Dude, I grabbed our scripts," Ashton explains throwing Seann's script at him.
            "Here is your script. You must be so happy to be doing another movie with me. Who knows this might land you an actual staring role in your own movie. Like me," Ashton laughs. Ashton quickly gave Seann William Scott a look over. He was pretty good looking. But Ashton Kutcher loved himself more and there was no way Seann even held second place next to him.
            "Dude, you need to learn to get over yourself, and as for starring roles, you’ve had what... Cheaper by the dozen where the most you are on screen is when you’ve got a dog chomping on your balls, yeah I REALLY wish that I could be as good an actor as you," Seann fired back.
            Ashton Kutcher completely ignored what Seann said. It was not important. "Damn. I can't believe a star like me does not even get his own dressing room. I mean look at this place. Sure you could live here Seann, but me, I deserve better!" Thinking to himself for a second, "By-the-way that cheaper by the dozen movie was to help out Steve Martin I know that he has not been doing so hot lately. Oh and Dude, I actually had to have a dog bite down on my nuts. That sucked. We had to retake that scene so many times. God! My nut's are sore just thinking about it," said Ashton.
            "Yeah well I agree with what you said in the movie, you’re not that good of an actor, the money maker is your face." I say being happy with myself for finally standing up to this creep.
            "What did you say to me!? I am the great Ashton Kutcher; you can't say that to me, you’re just a lowly actor. Beneath someone like me! I actually decided to do this movie again to help you out. You should be thanking me. And you can do that by complaining about this horrible living conditions." Ashton complained sitting down in his dressing room chair looking over his script, proud of himself for being himself.
            "Well this place does suck, I'll give you that. But you are wrong about helping me out, your agent called me and begged that I do this movie with you because you’re failing career!" Seann screamed.
            "Hahaha. That's funny. You must be dumber than I thought and got my agent confused with yours," Ashton stopped talking and looked at the script with keen interest. "Shit Dude. Look at this script. Remember that time that we were messing around and I hit you in the nuts a couple times and you cried, well they put it in the script. We are going to have to bust each other for real. We don't have any stunt doubles or anything like that. Ahhh shit Dude!" Ashton complained.
            "Well fuck that, there is no way you are going to hit me in the nuts again. Moreover as I remember you hit me in the nuts but I only grunted. Although when I got you in the nuts you went hobbling off to the nurse and made her ice you down!" Seann recoiled.
            “You are so childish. Dude, I mean Dude, it's over now anyways, and we better practice this. I am a professional and all. Okay so it looks like your gonna come up to me and ask me if you can hit me in the nuts...yadda yadda....damn this is a long scene! A painful one for you!! Hahaha. You better start ‘cause you get to start the busting Dude. So go ahead." Ashton stood up out of his chair and spread his legs open and held his script in one hand and gave Seann his line, "Dude, you wanted to talk to me about something?" asks Ashton.
            "Dude, how fucking stupid are you? In the movie they are giving up cups to wear, do you really not have a clue about anything?" I say as I grab the other script.

            "What do you mean I just come up and ask you if I can hit you in the nuts, that stupid, who the fuck is writing this stuff?" questions Seann.
            Ashton took a long breathe. He was prepared to have a hard foot crush his testicles. When Seann said that it gave Ashton Kutcher relief for a second until he looked at the script and it said, "Aww shit, I am going to be wearing white boxer brief's for this scene and it specifically says that I am not going to get a cup." Ashton looked over at Seann and said, "What does yours say? Can you wear a cup?" asks Ashton. Ashton then remembers talking to Jason Biggs about Seann William Scott and somehow ball busting came up in the conversation. That is when Ashton learned that Sean William Scott throughout each of the movies in the American Pie series, Seann was always busting the other actors in the movie! That is when it clicked...Seann is a Ball buster!
            "Well just forget about the busting in the movie because I’m not participating in that. You can tell when a movie is going to be shit because there is a lot of stupid stuff like that." I see Ashton looking me over again like I am below him and I loose it! As Ashton Kutcher looks back at his script and I know that he isn’t paying attention, I pull my foot back and kick him square in the nuts. "Hey you like that, you think that will make a good movie!? How’s it feel big star?" laughs Seann.
            Ashton saw Seann's foot coming at his crotch and felt it connect under his balls pushing them deep inside his crotch. Ashton gasped as Seann held his foot against Ashton’s pubic bone crushing his balls. Their eyes met and the first time Ashton felt under Seann. "Dude!!!!" Ashton hollers as he grasps his balls and bends over holding his pounding testicles in his hands as pain passes throughout his body.
            I push Ashton over so he falls onto the ground. "See dude, that’s stupid we are just going to refuse to do the scene, what’s the worst that they can do?" asks Seann still laughing.
            "Awwwww Dude my nuts....awww shit...awwww shit.....it's true. You are a ball buster.....fuck my balls," Ashton gags as he curls up in a ball and his face reflects the pain inflicts his entire groin. Ashton had to get out of the trailer, before Seann got a chance to get him in the nuts again.
            "That’s what you wanted me to do, don’t you remember asking me 5 minutes ago?" Seann questions him.
            Damn Seann was right. Ashton slowly positions himself into a sitting upright arrangement against his chair. A twitch of pain suddenly hit his nuts again, which causes Ashton to lie down on the floor of trailer. Ashton moves his hands from his tender balls to his chest and slowly closes his eyes. "Okay fine, your right. What happens now in the scene?" asks Ashton as his nut pain is slowly dieing down and the coolness of the trailer floor chills his swollen ball sac.
            "Well in the script this is where you would surprise me by shooting up and punching me in the balls with a close fist. As I would be it would knock me down. That would give you time until you can get the wood vice from the counter and place it on my nuts and slowly squeeze them while you ask me questions like, ‘Where is Paris?’ In addition when I get them wrong you tighten the clamp more and more. See what I mean by stupid?!” Fires back Seann William Scott full of rage.
            Ashton's eye's flown open with excitement of revenge. From the ground Ashton could see the wood device behind Seann and subsequently his eyes found Seann's crotch. Ashton stars at Seann’s crotch trying to determine where Seann's balls are. Ashton’s eyes close upon two round crevices in Seann’s pants and he launches up and lands a hard close fist deep into Seann's nuts, as Ashton nails at least one of Seann's nuts. "Since I did not get both of them I should try again," expresses Ashton as he punches Seann's crotch again this time connecting with both of his nuts. Ashton's left hand held the wooden device meant to crush Seann's nuts and Ashton shoves both of Seann's testicles roughly into the clamp, pressing down on both of his testicles as Seann falls to the trailer floor looking up at Aston Kutcher.
            In an instant there is a flash before my eyes and then a pain shooting up through my left nut. Before I am even able to cover myself his fist hits me again this time hitting both of my nuts and I fall to my knees. I crumble forward on the ground not wanting to even breathe but Ashton attaches something to my nuts. I look up to Ashton and see him smiling. The wooden clamp is a weird device that looks like a lot of fun to use on someone beside yourself. Ashton while clamping it on Seann's balls asks the question, "Where is Paris?"
            "Dude, what the fuck do you think you are doing?!                                                    

            Ashton smiles and says, “I thought you wood like this thing because you are a ball buster after all.” Ashton presses together the clamp even harder on Seann's balls, "Sorry Dude, that's not the answer! Where is Paris?" Asks Ashton Kutcher again looking at the script for what is going to happen next.
            I wince as he turns the handle, which tightens the vice on my nuts... "Fuck! Dude Paris is in France"
            "Okay Dude but that is only the first of the 10 questions that you have to get right in order for this clamp to be removed. The second question is how do you spell the word...sweat?" asks Aston.
            "S-W-E-A-T" I answer with a very nervous look on my face hoping that I get the remaining questions right. The vice on my nuts is right at the point where it is just uncomfortable to be there, if it gets even a little tighter I am in for some serious Pain.
            "Nice job Dude. Not bad. But now for the hard questions, why are all the good, sensitive, kind, guys never available to date?"
            I look up to him with a quizzical look... "What the fuck dude, there is no answer to that." Replies Seann.
            "Duh Dude! It's cause they already have boyfriends!" And with that Ashton clamps down the wooden clamp another peg as Ashton hops to cause Seann to be in even more pain.
            I take a sharp intake of air as my balls are squeezed even more. I start to moan a little unable to help myself "Ah ah Dude... eeesh"
            "Hey Dude, this is good for you it gets your brain going yah know?" Ashton says taking another look at the script for another stupid question. "What is the shortest month of the entire year?" Asks Ashton.
            "February," I say with some confidence.
            Ashton's charter is not so supposed to know the answer to this and just says, "You are so wrong Dude, here comes the pain!" Ashton laughs as he increases the pain by one more peg hoping to destroy poor Seann's nuts.
            "AHHHH, dude what the fuck are you doing! I got the right Ahhh fuck, my fucking balls!" I never had been busted like this before it was as though my balls were being compressed and this is similar to the worst case of blue balls that could be imagined.
            Ashton laughs out load. Destroying Sean's balls like this is actually kinda fun! Especially since Ashton is getting the revenge he deserves. "A blonde walks into the doctor's office and goes every bone in my body is broken. The doctor says touch where it hurts and the blonde touches her arm and says 'OW' then she proceeds to touch her leg and goes, 'OW' and finally touches her head and goes, 'OW.' Everything is broken doc. What do I do? And the doctor says what....?" Ashton mumbles a laugh at this.
            "I dunno dude~"
            "The doctor say's your finger is broken!" In addition to another wrong answer Ashton fastens down the wooden clamp another peg. The clamp is slowly closing in around Seann’s tender nuts, killing them even more. Ashton continues to laugh at poor Sean William Scott who is really nothing but a terrible actor with now almost destroyed balls if not already. "Now on to comic book trivia...who are true identities of Batman, Robin, and Batgirl?" Ashton hopes to God that he gets this wrong also!
            My balls are slowly being crushed; even when I get the right answers he still tightens the clamp! I wish to be able to just pass out, but I never did. My head was swimming and the pain coming up from my balls into my stomach is all that I could focus on. "Ahh ahh Bruce Wayne," moans Seann.
            "I'm sorry buddy, that was only one of the answers too bad for you that you were not smart enough to answer the whole question!" And with that Ashton steps on the clamp this time compressing the clamp down 3 pegs moving the clamp to almost into total flattening mode...."Opps, I slipped," explains Ashton as he tries to grind the clamp completely closed. Ashton is having some problems getting it to close...but he is determine to figure it out as he continues to stomp on the clamp in which Seann's nuts are trapped in.
            Black shadows are crossing my vision as I feel faint. I wasn’t able to utter any words the pain coming from my balls is just too much for me to handle. I watch as Ashton stomps on the clamp trying to make it close completely thus castrating me. All I know is that I can’t allow that to happen. As he jumps again I manage to lift my foot with what little strength I have as he descends back to the ground it connects with his huge balls.
            "Look's like we are having creative difference's Seann, see I see your nuts broken and useless...and you don't. Looks like we are not seeing things exactly the same but I will change that with this!" Ashton jumps high into the air and with both of his feet, Ashton propels towards the tiny clamp.
            "Here I come Dude!" Screams Ashton as his feet touch there mark Seann's foot glides in-between Ashton's legs. Ashton lands chock-full onto Seann's foot and all of his breath leaves his body as Ashton straddles Seann’s foot as he floats on top of it.
            Ashton's eyes close shut as he screams out loud. Ashton's feet just sway back and forth in the air unable to hit the ground as Seann's foot holds tough. Following Seann that uses his foot to rock back and forth devastating Ashton's balls all around in their sac. Using backwards and forwards motions to crush Ashton's balls under his own body weight. Ashton could do nothing but slouch painfully there on Seann's foot. Ashton too stunned to move Seann’s foot. It is almost like Ashton is completely out of action on Seann's deadly foot squishing his testicles against his hard body.
            I felt my foot that is planted in Ashton’s balls fall under his weight, even though I had wanted to squish his balls even more. As he lands on the ground my foot connects with his balls as it smashes them once more and my foot lies on top of his nuts. I am unable to move for a few minutes but I know that if I did not get this vice off then Ashton would surely crush my balls as soon as he got up. I very slowly am able to move forward little by little and finally able to get to the vice. It took another minute before I was able to loosen it and remove it completely; and with that a sudden wave of nausea hit me and I fell back to the ground, the pain is worse then when the vice was holding my nuts. I look down at my white briefs and see my balls now swollen to 4 times their normal size, "Aww fuck no wonder why they hurt so much," Seann says.
            I reach a hand down my white briefs and cradle them as I manage
to sit up. I see Ashton laying there curling into a ball and I feel nothing but hate and contempt. I want to see him in pain and a lot of
it!
            As Ashton lies on the floor holding his testicles, he moves them slowly around his sack trying to ease the pain he feels deep inside each one of them. "I should have never done a movie with you, I knew that you were a ball buster..." Oh God he is going to ruin my career if he breaks my balls,' thinks Ashton.....'I gotta stop him.' Ashton knows that he has only been busted once. If he can get the advantage over Seann, he might WALK out of here. Ashton slowly got on all four's facing away from Seann for a weapon to help him....Ashton. Without even realizing it Ashton is leaving himself wide open for another nut shot.
            I reach over and grab the first thing I am able to grab, a rubber mallet. I am able to move the few feet over to him and then swing it up with all my might making sure that I connect with his balls!
            Ashton's left hand slipped on the water bottle that he was trying to grab, as some blunt instrument smashes into his already damaged testicles. Ashton's leg’s close together around the rubber mallet as Ashton grunts in pain, "Unngh," and drops the water bottle on the floor. The water bottle smashes open spraying Ashton with water and making his white beater skintight. Ashton's hand hit the floor of the trailer as pain takes over his body as his ball sac throbs.
            I find that I’m able to walk as long as I don’t do it too fast. I pick up a coil of rose hanging from the wall and then step on Ashton’s balls "Put your hands up and let me tie them, or I will squash your balls flat.”

            Lying on the floor of the trailer looking up at Seann, Ashton realizes that his worst nightmares don't even compare to this. Slowly Ashton raises his hands hoping that the foot on his testicles does not crunch them into the trailer floor. Ashton closes his eyes as he raises his hands in defeat praying that this is the end of the pain...
            I tie Ashton’s’ hands really tightly; spending years in the boy scouts has really paid off here. I then throw the other end of the rope over a bar near the ceiling and lift Ashton off the floor and keep on pulling till just the tips of his toes can touch the ground. Then I begin to tie it tightly to one of the supports. "Now
you are in for some big trouble dude"
            Ashton is always the toughest actor in everything he does. Movies and TV shows. In all of that screen time he had never been beaten up before. Ashton pulls on the ropes but the knots are too tight. Ashton cannot even get a good grip on the floor with either of his feet. Ashton knows that he only has one chance and he pulls back his leg and kicks as hard as can towards Seann's open crotch. Ashton's foot found two hands ready for such a movie and Seann pulled Ashton right up to him. Seann opens his mouth to say something sly and Ashton with all of his might knees Seann with his free leg in the groin. Ashton uses that knee to push Seann into the air almost eye level before Seann drops to the ground and Ashton with his dangling feet stomps on Seann's nuts three or four times before Seann caught them. Seann was hurting...
            My balls already swollen create enormous amounts of pain, I move out of the way from Ashton as I know he is not able to go anywhere because of how I have him tied. I lay there on the floor cradling my balls and letting myself recover a little bit. I am really pissed off now; Ashton is going to pay and I am going to do so to his balls. I get the rest of the rope and cut the unused portion off, and fashion it into a small noose. On the other side of this short rope I tie a 15-pound dumb bell, I leave this and go over to Ashton and undo the button on his pants that allows them to fall to the floor. With this I bring back my fist and savagely punch his boxers in the area where I know his balls will be. As I see the look on his face I know that I have connected and did what I intend to do. While Ashton is agonizing over the latest assault I brought down on his balls, I remove his boxers and see his own swollen balls, not quite as bad as mine but I am not done with him yet. I get the dumb bell and the rope and I put the noose end around Ashton’s balls and pull it tightly, making sure it fits nice and tight. I am now holding the 15-pound weight, and if I were to drop it, it would fall and strangle his balls. I just look and wait for him to recover enough to know what is going on. Ashton looks toward Seann with panic in his eyes.

            "Shhh...seeaannn....oh God....noooo no don't," pleads Ashton. "Let's make a deal, it will be worth way more than this. Just here me out please...I can help you become a star," says Ashton with horror in his eye's.
            "Keep talking, I’m able to hold this weight for a little while at least," says Seann.
            "Listen Dude.... I have this big movie coming up in which I was offered the part. I know the director and the producer. If you let me down, I can get you the second staring role opposite of me and I can pull some more strings and I might be able to get you on the cast of That 70's Show. So what do you say?" questions Ashton.
            I start to play with the weight and toss it up and then catch it. "Yah know, that 70's show is in it's last season, and another movie with you would be as bad as a kick in the nuts, try harder."
            "I can..." for the first time in Ashton's life he is going to give up a star role. I think I can convince the director to let you be the lead...I will just say that I am...too busy to do the project. It is suppose to be even bigger than my last movie, "The Butterfly Effect."
            "Oh, yeah I saw it, it really sucks. Or it may have just been your acting," says Seann as he laughs.
            Ashton trying to control his temper bit his bottom lip. Ashton is now doing another thing he has never done before control his temper. "The movie made a few million, it was my in-between movie...this one that I am supposed to is going to be a Blockbuster smash. Guaranteed," says Ashton.
            I pull tight on the rope making sure it has not loosened up at all "I dunno... "
            "Oh God! Please don't you will be making a big mistake, this could actually make you famous. Don't blow it. Or in a few years you'll turn up on the Where Are They Now on fucking VH1! Do you want that to happen to you?! And you will probably be fat by then too, to add insult to injury," says Ashton. "Don't blow this for yourself."
            I did not drop the weight, I gently lower it and then let go, immediately the rope tightens around his balls.
            "Oh fuck! Okay, okay! I'll do whatever you want. I have more money than you...twice the amount I could write you a check!" Ashton starts to feel his balls swell as the 15-pound weight starts to pull down on his swollen sack. It starts to cut off the blood flow. "Please, I will do anything..." pleads Ashton.
            I use my thumb and middle finger and flick Ashton’s swollen balls.
            "Ughhh, your a bastard!" screams Ashton stupidly and pulls is feet up in a last chance maneuver and kicks Sean with both of his feet crushing Seann's balls as Seann is flown back against the trailer wall. Ashton tries to hold his legs up in the air with the 15-pound weight lying on his legs. Ashton cannot hold this position for long as his balls pop out beneath his legs and the weight threatening to follow.
            I fall against the wall of the trailer as I hold my balls and then sink to my knees to hold myself. I look up and see the knot I have tied is loose and if Ashton kept on moving around it would let go. I did not want to let it happen but when I try to move over to tighten it I find I am unable to move.
            "My feet are deadly yah idiot, I would stay where you are if I was you," yells Ashton. Ashton knew that he had bought himself sometime until Seann got up but the weight is starting to slip through his legs. In addition Ashton's legs are starting to tire from sticking straight out in the air. It is a matter of time before they fall and the weight will strangle Ashton’s balls.

            I manage to move my knee just a little bit forward but in doing so my balls hit against each other and I fell down in pain, I look over to the knot and see that it is just about to give way, Ashton is about to be let loose! I try to get up again but my body refuses to move. I close my eyes and hear the sound of something heavy falling.
            Ashton felt the looseness of the rope and he begins to fall toward the trailer floor. The weight fell loose and is pulling Ashton’s nuts down with it. As his balls hit the floor first Ashton comes after. Darkness floods into Ashton's eyes from the pain of landing on his back. Even though Ashton is free his hands are still tied together. Ashton quickly jumps up and moves toward his dresser for his classic scissors and begins to cut the bindings that hold him. He wants to finish Seann.
            I want to move, I am trying to make myself move, but no matter how much I yell at myself my body will not obey. I try to make amends with Ashton but no words will come out of my mouth. Ashton cuts the bindings on his wrists as quick as he can and in a matter of moments Ashton is free. Ashton spins around and looks over at Seann. "You may have been a big time Ball buster in your American Pie days, but now you’re with bigger fish. And they have bigger feet," says Ashton as he drives his foot in between Seann's legs with a swift kick to the bottom of Seann's testicles that drive his foot deep inside of Seann's crotch into his pubic bone.
            As the foot connects to my crotch all I can manage to do is let out a short yell and let out a soft moan.
            Ashton grabs the handcuffs from the table that Seann got the rope from and put Seann's hands behind his back and cuffs his hands together. Ashton then sits on Seann's stomach cutting his yell short. "Are you ready to feel some pain Seann?" asks Ashton as he rolls Seann's nuts around in their tight sack.
            As Ashton rolls my balls in their sac the pain is enough to
make me find my voice. "Ughhh God dude, please stop," pleads Seann.
            "Dude...we are just starting," says Ashton as he picks up the script. "Don't you want to know where it ends?" asks Ashton as he crushes Seann's balls in his hands.
            I yell as he squashes my balls, my hands are handcuffed and I am not even able to roll over because he sits on top of me. "OWWW AHHHHH STOOPPPP!!"
            "It say's here that I have to crush your balls by pounding them into the floor like this;" and with that Ashton's fists dive into both of Seann's balls full force. Along with a second set of punches denting them into the ground. "Are you ready for the climax," asks Ashton?
            "Noo... stop....... please" Seann whispers weakly.
            "I will first put on the clamp," Ashton places the wooden clamp on Seann's balls and starts to turn the dial up to the second to last peg just like the last time. "Your balls are gonna be hurting cuz they call that phase the Ball crushing phase...ready for the Ball terminator?" asks Ashton as he moves his seating position and sits on top of the wooden clamp, making sure this time that it closes.

Sean’s eyes go wide, and that’s when the doors open and the director steps in saying, “It’s time!”

We both blink dumbly at him and he stares hard at the two of us and says “You getting some early work done on the script? Nice! Can’t wait to see it!”

The director grabs Ashton by the upper arm, “You are needed in make-up but don’t worry you will have plenty of opportunity to have another go at Seann. This is going to be sweet little movie!”

Ashton takes one last look at Seann before being pulled out of the trailer.

“We have to talk about my accommodations…I will not share a trailer with anyone…” said Ashton as the door closes.

Seann grabs himself groaning. “Fuck me…” he grumbles starring down at his sad ballsac hoping someone would come in soon to free him.

 

End