One on one: David vs. Xander

Featured in this story: David, Xander and Alex (click for pictures)

I knew that this was going to be a bad day.

Indeed, it didn’t take more than a minute for the two egotistical titans to clash.

“You take that back!” Xander snapped, glaring at David. “Take that back, you fucking asshole!”

Xander was 23 years old, a spoiled rich brat who had never worked a day in his life. Blond with tastefully applied platinum highlights, wearing a tailored white suit, very expensive looking white oxfords and a white satin shirt, he looked like an angel – but he was pretty close to my personal definition of the devil: arrogant and self-centered, ignorant and cruel, mischievous and irascible.

David was 19 years old, and he looked like the polar opposite of Xander. Dressed entirely in black, with black leather shoes, back pants and a smart black shirt, and with black hair, he looked hot and a little mysterious. He was a professional ballet dancer, and a very successful one at that. Unfortunately, this success had gone to his head. From what I knew he had always been obnoxious, but now he was positively unbearable. When it came to his character traits, David wasn’t the polar opposite of Xander. He was just like him: mean and nasty, selfish and egotistical, vicious and ruthless.

To cut a long story short: Filming with Xander and David was my personal nightmare.

But our viewers had picked them four our next fight, and I had asked them – assuming, naturally, that they’d mock me and make fun of me before turning me down. They mocked me and made fun of my, of course – but they didn’t turn me down. To my utter surprise – and dismay – they both agreed to face each other in a one-on-one fight.

Now they were standing in the studio, facing each other, spitting venom.

“Calm down, idiot”, David said with an annoyed eyeroll. “God, you’re a touchy little princess…”

Xander’s head turned crimson. “How dare you---”

“Listen, guys”, I said with a weak smile. “Why don’t we all calm down and relax?”

Xander and David stared at me like I was an alien who descended from planet Loony to teach earthlings how to live. Unfortunately, the earthlings reacted by trying to prevent this little alien from procreating.

Xander’s foot connected with my nuts in a swift and hard kick that made my eyes lose focus as I felt the pain rise in my stomach.

Before I had a chance to grab my precious jewels, David followed up with an even nastier knee to my groin. I felt his kneecap ram my tender testicles into my body, and I thought I was going to throw up.

Instead, I collapsed on the ground and curled up in a ball.

“Or not”, I croaked in a strained voice. “Why don’t we start filming instead?”

I heard my cameraman Chad chuckle. “Whatever you say, boss.”

From my position on the ground I could hear David and Xander speak into the camera.

“This is the clash of the titans that you dreamed about”, David said with a mean smile, facing the camera. “I’m going to wipe the floor with that idiot over there.”

Xander glared at him. “Fucking asshole”, he spat. “I will crush your fucking nuts with my bare hands! You’ll never fuck again, you stupid fuck!”

David chuckled. “How charming, princess. I could tell you what I’ll do with your balls – but you don’t have any to begin with, do you?”

Xander let out a growl and lunged at David, one hand aiming for David’s head, the other one aiming significantly lower.

Xander’s fingers found David’s groin at the same moment that the fingers of his other hand found his hair, and - in a pretty remarkable display of coordinated cheap shots – Xander started twisting and yanking with both of his hands at the same time.

David’s cool, calm demeanor changed considerably. His smile turned into a pained grimace and he let out an anguished wail as the pain spread through his body.

“You fucking asshole!” Xander wailed as he squished and squashed David’s nuts with one hand while pulling on his hair with the other.

David screamed from the top of his lungs, his face turning a deep shade of purple as he flailed around, trying to escape Xander’s nut-crunching, hair-pulling grips.

A punch hit Xander in the face, and he shrieked in renewed rage, squeezing David’s nuts with all the force he could muster.

A kick hit Xander in the shin, and he responded with a series of expletives as he crushed David’s balls with his bony fingers.

It was a solid knee to Xander’s balls, a lucky strike right on target, flattening the blond’s bean bag and making his eyes water, that brought David some much-needed room to maneuver.

“Fuck you, platinum princess”, David grunted, clutching his crotch as Xander slid to the ground.

He delivered a punch to Xander’s head that made him howl in agony.

“My face!” Xander yelled. “How dare you hit me in the fucking face?!”

David brought his foot back and sent it into Xander’s crotch. It connected with a sickening thud, followed by a shrill squeal.

“Deal with it, princess”, David growled, looking down at Xander who was coughing and spitting, clutching his crotch.

Just when I thought David would make short work of Xander, he delivered a nut-crunching uppercut to David’s balls that knocked the wind out of David’s lungs and caused the dancer to fold and collapse on the ground.

They were both kneeling, giving Xander a chance to fall back on his tried-and-true hair-pulling technique.

David screamed from the top of his lungs as Xander got up and grabbed David’s hair with both of his hands.

“Don’t you dare call me princess!” Xander roared, bringing David’s head back so that he was looking into his eyes. “I’m more man than you---”

David turned Xander’s moment of queer empowerment into a very personal experience of pain and suffering by grabbing the bulging package in Xander’s white pants and squeezing it with both of his hands.

“---ououououghghgouough!” Xander yodeled in a high-pitched voice, showcasing a great talent for falsetto arias that sounded good enough to start a career as a male coloratura soprano in case David won the fight.

Xander lost his grip on David’s hair and David growled and groaned with effort as he squished and squashed Xander’s golden globes with all the force he could muster.

“Yaiiiiieeeyeeeiiii!” Xander shrieked, his eyes filled with tears as David crushed the life out of his nuts.

“I’m sorry, princess”, David grunted with a mean grin. “I was wrong. You do have balls – if only at the moment…” He chuckled. “Let’s have a look at them, shall we…” With that, David deftly opened Xander’s fly and reached inside, pulling out Xander’s cleanly shaven ball bag.

It was bright red, in stark contrast to Xander’s white clothes, and David couldn’t help but laugh. “Oh my, princess, your cherries look ripe for---”

“Fuck you!” Xander shrieked and kicked him in the nuts with all the force he could muster. “Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!”

He kicked David’s balls again and again, his face contorted in rage and pain, his beet red balls hanging out of his pants.

David fought back with all his might, lashing out with his fists, and scoring a few blows to Xander’s exposed manhood.

They went back and forth, kicking and punching, grunting and screaming.

Xander scored a few kicks that made me cringe in sympathy even though I couldn’t remember ever sympathizing with David.

And David landed a few punches that made me feel sorry for Xander – even though that, too, was a feeling that I had never felt before.

Both of them were remarkably resilient and relentless, screaming through the pain as they attacked each other with nasty blows and mean kicks.

Shirts were ripped and pants were shredded, and soon both of them were essentially stripped naked, with only shreds of clothing hanging from their bodies.

Xander’s balls were black and blue and severely swollen, but David’s nuts didn’t look any better. They were bruised and battered, bloated and beet red.

And still neither of them seemed ready to give up.

They were both grunting and groaning, their faces contorted in pain and rage.

I knew both of them well enough to comprehend that the testicular pain they were feeling wasn’t nearly as bad as the humiliation and the fear that they might lose this battle.

“Give up, platinum princess!” David grunted as he delivered a nut-crunching kick to Xander’s battered balls.

“Fuck you, asshole!” Xander retorted in a shrill squeal, retaliating with a powerful nut-kick of his own.

Both of them were drenched in sweat, their naked bodies glistening as they traded blows to every body part they could reach.

Xander punched David in the kidneys, eliciting an anguished wail and prompting a devastating kick in the gut from David, that made Xander scream from the top of his lungs. Xander’s response was a well-placed shin-kick to David’s swollen manberries, which brought on a hard, merciless uppercut to Xander’s own dangling sack of precious jewelry.

I looked at my watch.

They were going on for more than half an hour, way longer than our usual fights, and I was prepared to call it a draw when I heard Xander scream like a banshee.

It was one of those shrill, bloodcurdling, ear-splitting squeals that make you cup your own balls in sympathy because you just know that somebody’s manhood took a vicious blow.

I was ready to call the undertaker for Xander’s unborn children.

The camera zoomed in on the vise-like grip that David had on Xander’s manhood.

“You don’t need those, princess”, David grunted as he squished and squashed Xander’s balls with his fingers, digging his fingertips deep into the core of Xander’s bruised and bloated balls.

“Fuuuuuuck!” Xander shrieked, tears welling in his eyes. “My fucking nuuuuuuts!”

David let out a cruel chuckle and twisted his hand, causing Xander to scream even louder.

“Just give up”, David grunted, squeezing the life out of Xander’s balls as if he was trying to juice a pair of lemons with his bare hands.

“Fuck youuuuuuu!” Xander wailed, swinging his arms, hoping to land a lucky punch that would end the misery that his manhood was in.

And, improbable as it was, he did.

It was a combination of two lucky punches, actually.

The first one hit David in the nose, and I thought I heard the bone break. While that wasn’t the case, it hurt enough for David to let go of Xander’s balls to reach for his face, his eyes wide open in pain and shock.

The second one wasn’t a punch but a two-footed horizontal stomp that landed right between David’s legs, hitting both of David’s nuts dead-on and violently ramming them into his body.

There was a fierceness and an intensity to the stomp that made me shudder. For a moment, I thought we’d need to bring David to the hospital with a broken nose and a broken pelvis, and David let out a gurgling grunt that sounded like a fitting goodbye to his sex life.

“Oh god!” David croaked, his voice cracking, weak and pathetic, a far cry from the arrogant asshole that we all knew and hated.

“Fuck you!” Xander spat, driving his feet into David’s crotch once again, flattening David’s nuts like pancakes.

David let out a miserable whimpered, tears streaming down his face.

I almost felt pity for him – but it was not enough to stop Xander, enraged and breathing fire, from getting up and stomping down on David’s nuts again and again and again and again.

“Fuck you!” he yelled. “Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou!”

David was barely conscious, babbling incoherently, whimpering in pain as Xander brought his foot down on his swollen, battered balls.

Finally, I stepped in and approached Xander. I put a hand on his shoulder and said softly, “I think he’s had enough.”

Xander spun around, his eyes wild, his face beet red and filled with a mix of rage, humiliation and pain.

I blinked. “Umm---”

“Fuck you!” Xander hissed as he brought his foot up between my thighs, crunching my nuts.

I saw stars. I felt like I was about to throw up or pass out or both. The pain crept from my nuts into my gut and my abdomen, paralyzing me.

I heard my cameraman Chad burst out laughing, and I heard Xander leave shouting obscenities. But I couldn’t move. The pain was just too much.

When I was finally able to get up again, my eyes met David’s who was putting on his clothes.

“Damn, that hurt”, I said with a weak smile. “That guy has a pretty good kick, huh?”

My smile wasn’t reciprocated by David.

“I sure hope I won’t sing soprano for the rest of my life”, I said in a limp attempt to lighten the mood.

David was having none of it.

“Listen, you imbecile”, he said a in a low voice as his hand grabbed my crotch and started squeezing. “If you think I’ll lick my wounds with you, you are mistaken. I don’t care if you sing soprano. I don’t care if you ever fuck again. I don’t care about your pathetic pain.” With every sentence, David’s grip grew stronger, and the familiar wave of testicular agony washed through my body, paralyzing me anew.

I gasped for breath, letting out gurgling – and without doubt pretty pathetic – noises as David crushed my nuts with his bare hands.

“I don’t care about you or your fucking company”, David continued while pressing his thumb into my precious nuggets. “I don’t know why I still deal with you people!”

I wanted to say something but David shut me up by twisting my balls and yanking down on them.

Then he mercifully let me slide to the floor and walked over to Chad.

Chad took a step back and covered his crotch. He was a grown man of 30 years, taller than David, bulkier than him, and certainly stronger than him, but apparently he was also very, very afraid of him.

“You’ll delete the footage, right?” David said in a low voice.

Chad gulped.

David took a step closer, backing Chad against the wall. “Right?”

“I--- Of course, sir”, Chad stuttered. “I’ll do it right away.”

David watched Chad push a few buttons on the screen of the camera.

“See?” Chad smiled nervously. “It’s gone. All gone.”

David turned on his heels and walked out of the room.

I couldn’t help but notice that he was limping a little bit, and I smiled.

Turns out, the day wasn’t so bad after all...

***

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