Battleship ball bash (Andrew meets Kev)

Special thanks to Andrew for the idea for this story! If you (yes, I mean you, the one who likes to play battleship!) would like to meet the Ballbusting Boys and see yourself in a story please read this post for more details.

Featured in this story: Kev (click for pictures)

The rules for this painful version of Battleship, the well-known pencil and paper game, were very simple.

The two contestants had a grid of 10 x 10 squares where they placed their ships: a destroyer (2 squares), a cruiser and a submarine (3 squares each), a battleship (4 squares) and a carrier (5 squares).

Each ship came with painful weapons, and when it was destroyed by the opposing player’s fire, these weapons turned on their owner. The destroyer came with 2 nut slaps, the cruiser with 3 kicks in the nuts, the submarine with 3 punches, the battleship with 4 knees, and the carrier with one of each plus a hit with a baseball bat.

You didn’t want to lose this war.

Kev had played the game with his buddies at the dorm a few times, and people dreaded playing with him, because like a seasoned navy commander, he knew exactly where to strike to land a critical blow and defeat the enemy.

He was 20 years old, a handsome, athletic young man with brown hair and brown eyes. He was barefoot, wearing sweat pants and a tank top.

“Sounds interesting”, Andrew said with a grin.


He was of average height, not very small, not very tall, and his brown hair was cut in a trendy faux hawk. 19 years old, he had just moved into the dorm – and he had already gained a reputation as an ingenious prankster and jokester. Back home, he had pranked his buddies like a pro, and some of his videos had garnered a few hundred thousand views on youtube. His pièce de résistance had been an elaborate stunt featuring Viagra, itching powder, mankinis and mousetraps. It had left his male class mates in a lot of pain, and their girlfriends very unsatisfied for almost two weeks – and it had almost gotten him suspended from high school.

At the dorm, he had made a name for himself as a skilled sack tapper and he was seeded in the Final Four of the upcoming Naked Nutball Championships.

“Trust me, it is”, Kev replied with a wink and aimed a sack tap at Andrew’s bulging crotch.

Andrew narrowly avoided getting his junk smashed, and they both roared with laughter.

Andrew was shirtless, wearing a sagging pair of sweat pants that sat low on his hips.

The summer was hot, and both Andrew and Kev were sweating. They had retreated to the common room in the basement of the dorm, the only room in the run-down building with an a/c. It was pretty old and too weak to sufficiently cool the room, but it was better than nothing.

They sat down separately, in different corners of the room, and set up their grids.

When they were done, they cheerfully declared war on each other’s genitals and went to work.

During the first four rounds, neither of them was able to score a hit, but in the fifth round Andrew hit Kev’s cruiser. It took him four more rounds to sink the ship while Kev had a streak of bad luck, hitting nothing but water.

“Three kicks, man”, Andrew laughed, rubbing his hands. “Three fucking kicks to your fucking nuts.”

Kev chuckled and got up, walking into the middle of the room where he stood with his legs spread apart. “Bring it on, buddy”, he grinned. “I can take your fucking kicks.”

Andrew smiled and brought his leg back. He brought it up between Kev’s thighs, hitting his junk dead-on.

There was a loud thud. Then a moment of silence.

“Oooooh, that’s gotta hurt”, Andrew laughed as Kev’s face slowly contorted in pain.

Despite the pain that was spreading through his body, Kev was in a cocky mood. “You gotta do better than that”, he blurted out, trying – and failing – to sound relaxed and unperturbed.

Andrew laughed. “Okay, let’s see”, he grinned and kicked Kev’s nuts as hard as he could.

Kev doubled over, his hands on his knees, his eyes watering as he let out a guttural groan.

“Better?” Andrew grinned.

“A little”, Kev croaked. “But not much.”

Andrew let out a laugh. “Alright, what about this?”

With that, he drove his foot into Kev’s crotch, lifting the handsome stud clear of the ground and eliciting an anguished wail.

Kev landed on his feet and instantly fell to his knees, clutching his balls and screaming in pain.

“That was better, wasn’t it?” Andrew chuckled.

“Yup”, Kev whispered hoarsely. “Much better. So much better.”

It took a moment before Kev was able to crawl back to his seat, and they continued the game.

Kev landed a hit on Andrew’s submarine, and Andrew simultaneously found Kev’s destroyer.

The destroyer sunk first.

“Get your nuts out”, Andrew said with a cheerful smile.

“What?” Kev blinked.

“Get your fucking nuts out”, Andrew repeated casually. “Slapping them is so much more fun when they are out in the open…”

Kev chuckled. “Well, you’ve got a point”, he mumbled as he reached inside his pants and pulled out his balls. They were quite sweaty, and it was obvious that Andrew’s kicks had left an impression on them. They had turned a very healthy shade of red, and they were a little swollen.

“Two slaps”, Andrew shrugged his shoulders as he got down on his knees in front of Kev. “Kinda boring, huh?”

Kev chuckled. He was holding his nutsack by the neck, letting his juicy nuggets dangle right in front of Andrew’s face. “It’s a lot more exciting when you’re in my position”, he said with a nervous laugh.

Andrew gave his nuts a good, hard double smack that made Kev’s swollen balls bounce happily as Kev shrieked in pain.

Naturally, the pain of the slaps wasn’t as severe as the pain from the kicks, but they did sting, and they brought back some of the agony that Kev had experienced earlier.

His face filled with pain, Kev put his nuts back into his pants and returned to his seat.

The next round saw Andrew’s submarine sink, and Kev was more than happy to get a little revenge on his buddy.

“Get your nuts out”, Kev said cheerfully.

“What?!” Andrew protested. “You’re doing punches, not slaps!”

“Exactly”, Kev said. “To paraphrase a very talented up-and-coming battleship player: Punching them is so much more fun when they are out in the open.”

They both laughed.

“You know, it’s too hot to be wearing clothes anyway, right?” Andrew grinned and stripped naked, cockily displaying his body and his respectable if not huge genitalia.

Kev chuckled. Then he delivered a nut-crunching uppercut to Andrew’s balls that made Andrew see stars.

His jaw dropped and his eyes lost focus as his face turned white as a sheet.

“Say goodbye to Andrew Junior”, Kev quipped, a satisfied smile on his face.

“Goodbye, Andrew Junior”, Andrew managed to croak, causing Kev to roar with laughter.

The second punch was a little off, and it only hit Andrew’s left testicle.

“Fuck”, Andrew groaned, his left eye twitching. “I think Little AJ will be limping on one leg.”

“Let’s even it out”, Kev laughed, aiming a punch at Andrew’s right nut.

His fist connected perfectly with Andrew’s testicle, flattening it viciously.

Andrew looked like he was about to be sick. “Perfect”, he whispered in a toneless voice. “Now he’ll be limping on both…”

When they continued playing, it seemed like Kev’s streak of bad luck had finally ended. He quickly detected Andrew’s battleship, and he only needed three more rounds to sink it while each and every one of Andrew’s hits missed.

“Time to put an end to Little AJ’s miserable existence”, Kev grinned as he grabbed Andrew’s shoulders, gleefully looking forward to kneeing his friend in the nuts four times.

“Damn”, Andrew mumbled with a weak grin on his face. “The little brat was my pride and joy…”

“There’s always adoption”, Kev said with a cheeky wink, slowly raising his knee a couple of times to zero in on his rapidly swelling targets.

“You’re right”, Andrew said with a shrug. “Go for it. Crush those fucking nuts.”

Kev didn’t have to be told twice. He delivered a quick, hard knee to Andrew’s naked nuts.

It was a great knee, perfectly placed and beautifully executed. It flattened poor Andrew’s nuts like pancakes, ramming them into his body and crushing them between Kev’s kneecap and his pelvis.

Andrew’s eyes bulged and his cheeks puffed as he let out a wheezing groan.

“How’s Little AJ?” Kev asked with a chuckle.

“Dead”, Andrew whispered in a toneless voice. “No kid is ever going to come out of these nuts…”

Kev let out a laugh and patted Andrew’s shoulders. “Let’s make sure of that…” With that, he brought his knee up between Andrew’s thighs, crunching his battered balls three more times, eliciting three comically high-pitched and increasingly urgent squeals from Andrew.

The final knee brought Andrew to his knees, clutching his sore nuggets and moaning in agony. “My sperm!” he whimpered, ever the jokester. “My precious sperm!”

Kev roared with laughter.

It took a moment until Andrew was able to resume playing. “Can I put my clothes back on?” he mumbled, grimacing as he rubbed his sore, bruised balls.

He did look a little ridiculous, bare naked while Kev was fully clothed.

“I don’t think so”, Kev chuckled.

With a weak grin, Andrew shrugged his shoulders, raised his arms and shook his hips, letting his swollen genitalia smack against his thighs and making Kev laugh out loud.

It seemed like Andrew was losing the war, and at a rapid speed. It was his cruiser that Kev sank next.

“Three kicks. Spread your legs, captain”, Kev said cheerfully, and Andrew did as he was told.

Kev’s foot crashed into Andrew’s swollen nuts, making him yodel like a Swiss schoolgirl on her way to a nautical college.

“What a beautiful voice”, Kev dead-panned. “Looks like you are channeling your inner Andrea.”

“With kicks like that you’ll turn me into Andrea sooner or later”, Andrew groaned, his face a mask of pain, barely able to remain standing.

“Let’s make it sooner rather than later”, Kev grinned. “I want to hear that beautiful voice again!” He kicked Andrew’s nuts with all the force he could muster, eliciting another pitch-perfect yodel that made him roar with laughter.

But it was the third kick that was the best of the bunch. It lifted Andrew clean off his feet, connecting perfectly, all but turning Andrew’s precious jewels into diamond dust.

“Call me Andrea”, Andrew whispered as he curled up in a ball, clutching his battered, bruised testicles. “And please kill me.”

Kev laughed, but his amusement was short lived because Andrew struck his battleship next, meaning he had to take four knees to his nuts.

“Damn”, Kev mumbled as he assumed the position, putting his hands behind his head.

“Fuck, I’m going to destroy you”, Andrew announced cheerfully, his mood considerably lifted, even though his nuts were severely swollen and beet red.

He brought his knee up between Kev’s thighs, ramming his nuts into his body.

Kev screamed in pain.

To prevent Kev from doubling over, Andrew grabbed his shoulders before he kneed him the second time. The third knee lifted Kev off the ground. The fourth one made his eyes cross as he wailed in agony, his face a mask of pain.

“Shows you that women can fight just as well as men”, Andrew quipped, adjusting his crotch with a wide grin.

“Yeah, thanks, girl”, Kev chuckled as he recovered from the blow to his manhood.

There were just four ships left: Andrew’s destroyer equaling two nut slaps, his carrier equaling the vicious slap-punch-knee-kick-baseball-bat combo, Kev’s submarine which was worth three punches, and his own nut crunching combo carrier.

It was Kev who made the lucky guess and found one corner of Andrew’s 5 square carrier, but it took only two more rounds for Andrew to hit Kev’s carrier in return.

Now it was only a matter of time for one of them to sink the other player’s crown jewel – and have an extraordinarily fun go at his crown jewels afterwards.

Kev was the lucky one while Andrew didn’t make any progress at all.

“Oh, this is going to be fun”, Kev chuckled, grabbing the heavy wooden baseball bat and weighing it in his hand. “I think I’m gonna start with the bat.”

Andrew gulped. “Hit them out of the park, buddy”, he dead-panned as he positioned himself in front of Kev.

Kev was quite a good baseball player but he really outdid himself with this hit.

The bat swung in a beautiful arc that seemed to be heading right through Andrew’s body, only to be stopped quite viciously by the two tender nuggets that were in their way when he hit his crotch.

A resounding THWACK!!! echoed through the basement, followed by riotous laughter from Kev and a shrill, anguished wail from Andrew.

It was a glorious hit, a match-winner if there ever was one, and Andrew’s scream was filled with hundreds of tiny voices of all the babies that would never be born from his loins.

Andrew’s eyes twitched and his face scrunched up. His lips curled and a retching noise came out of his mouth.

Kev watched him, an amused expression on his face. “I think that was a good one”, he dead-panned as Andrew’s body started shaking in pain.

Kev decided that this was the perfect time for a cheerful slap to Andrew’s beet red balls, and if he hadn’t been in so much pain Andrew would have agreed.

Kev’s smacked Andrew’s swollen nuts with the back of his hand, making his poor buddy scream in pain and his dangling fruit swing wildly.

He followed up with a perfectly placed kick to Andrew’s groin that flattened his balls like pancakes before crunching his nuts with a vicious knee.

Finally, he grabbed Andrew’s sack by the neck, holding his swollen, battered balls in place for a punch that was designed to knock the stuffing out of his speedbag.

Andrew’s eyes rolled back into his head and he sank to the ground, kicking and screaming as the pain washed through his body.

“I love this game”, Kev grinned, taking a picture of his hurting buddy to share it on the dorm’s Whatsapp group.

Frankly, now that Andrew’s carrier was destroyed, he didn’t really care for the win anymore. He only had a destroyer left, equaling two slaps.

So instead of trying to sink Kev’s carrier or to find his submarine, he focused on the sorry state of his nuts, tugging at his ridiculously swollen nutsack, and just ticked a few boxed in this final round.

That was a mistake.

Kev won by sinking the destroyer, and he quickly slapped Andrew’s nuts twice.

Andrew had endured a lot worse than that and he gritted his teeth and took the slaps like a man.

But when Andrew wanted to put on his clothes again, he was stopped by Kev.

“We’re not finished yet”, Kev smiled. “I have my submarine and my carrier left.”

Andrew shrugged his shoulders. “So what?”

“Well, what do you think I’ll do with them?” Kev grinned.

Andrew blinked.

“Destroy your nuts, of course!” Kev laughed. “So spread them one more time!”

Andrew’s jaw dropped. “But---”

“All is fair in love and war”, Kev interrupted him. “You got three punches and a nut-crunching combo coming your way.”

Andrew let out a sigh. “Really?”

Kev chuckled. “Spread your legs, seaman. Time to destroy your semen.”

Andrew inhaled deeply.

“They are trash anyway”, Kev grinned, pointing at Andrew’s crotch. Indeed, his nuts looked ghastly. Deep red with shades of purple and blue, covered in bruises, ridiculously swollen and utterly unfit for service anytime soon. “Let’s sink those motherfuckers!”

“Aye, captain”, Andrew sighed, spreading his legs.

Kev knelt in front of him. “The submarine is first. Three punches to the fucking nuts!” he announced cheerfully before delivering a nut-crunching uppercut to Andrew’s sore spuds.

Andrew screamed from the top of his lungs as Kev punched his balls two more times, ramming his tender nuggets into his body and crushing them flat.

“And now: the carrier”, Kev grinned before delivering a fourth punch to Andrew’s bruised balls.

As Andrew was howling in pain, Kev got up and took a few steps back. With a running start, he kicked Andrew’s nuts as hard as he could, lifting him off the ground with the sheer force of the impact.

Andrew let out a gurgling squeal and collapsed on the ground.

Losing no time, Kev dropped down on him, knee first, landing right on his babymakers.

Andrew wailed in agony as the pain washed through his body.

With Andrew lying on the ground, Kev grabbed the baseball bat and lined it up with Andrew’s manhood.

It was a perfect strike, right on target. He hit Andrew’s nuts dead-on.

A jolt went through Andrew’s body and his eyes opened wide for a moment before they rolled back into his head and he passed out from the pain.

He looked pathetic with his swollen, red ball bag, and Kev took a few pictures to save the moment for eternity.

Then he woke Andrew up with a final slap to his nuggets.

Andrew moaned and groaned, curling up in a ball and clutching his aching nuts.

“Good game”, Kev grinned, patting his buddy’s back. “Sorry for destroying your offspring.”

“It’s alright”, Andrew croaked. “They would have been spoiled brats anyway…”

Kev laughed. “I bet you’ll be pissing blood for a month.”

“Fuck you”, Andrew groaned, examining his sore nuts. “Oh, look at them! They are fucking trashed!”

Kev grinned and smacked Andrew’s balls with the back of his hand, eliciting a surprised yelp that was immediately followed by a mix of coughs, laughter and groans.

“Fuck you”, Andrew moaned. “I want revenge! I’m going to destroy your fucking nuts!”