Balls à la carte

Warning: Can contain traces of cum.

Also: If you don’t like fire and needles you might want to skip this story…

Featured in this story: Ben, Danny, Kev and Vince (click for pictures)

“Bonjour messieurs”, Danny said with a polite smile on his face. “Welcome to ‘La Petite Couille’. My name is Jacques. Do you have a reservation?”

I bit my lower lip to avoid laughing out loud. Danny wasn’t that good an actor – but he nailed the role of the French waiter to a tee. He spoke in a very cheesy accent and his pronunciation of ‘reservation’ was a curious mix of English and French. His strawberry-blond hair was neatly combed and parted at the side. He was wearing an elegant pair of anthracite pants and a matching shirt and tie. A slightly blasé expression on his face, he looked at the two guests.

The restaurant skit had been Vince’s idea. He was in charge of props and constructions, and he had come up with a couple of nifty ideas that he wanted to try out himself.



Right now, Vince was standing off-camera, dressed like a chef, shifting nervously from one foot to the other. Unlike Danny who had starred in a couple of low-budget movies like “Nympho Nuns 2: Return of the Nympho Nuns” and “Grandpa Goremeister 7: Here comes Grandma!”, Vince preferred to work behind the camera. Today marked the first time he played a major role in front of the camera, and the 20 year old debutant actor was dealing with a bad case of stage fright.

Opposite him, Ben and Kev were playing the customers at ‘La Petite Couille’. The two jocks had been hesitant at first, but when I told them about the plot, Kev had persuaded Ben to do it. I hadn’t gone into too much detail, though…

“Yes, we do”, Kev said with a grin. “Table for two.”

Ben ran his hand through his short black hair, looking less than enthusiastic.

They were both 20 years old, tall and handsome, with muscular bodies and attractive faces. Both of them were wearing smart three-piece suits and shiny leather shoes.

“Très bien”, Danny replied. He winked at Kev. “May I take your jackets?”

Kev and Ben looked around, and their eyes fell immediately on the table in the middle of the room. The tabletop was made of glass, and the table was standing on top of a donut-shaped platform. There were two chairs that looked a bit unusual. They were made of stainless steel. The seats were wider than normal, and there was a little wooden plate at the front.

“And your pants, s’il vous plait?” Danny added after the guys had taken off their jackets.

“Of course”, Kev said as if it he had expected the question.

They took off their trousers.

Unlike Ben, Kev wasn’t wearing any underwear. His big, meaty dick was swinging in front of his balls that dangled low in his sack.

“The briefs as well, monsieur”, Danny winked at Ben. “You can’t experience ‘La Petite Couille’ with your underwear on, n’est-ce pas?”

I looked at my cameraman Chad and we both tried not to laugh.

“Alright”, Ben mumbled and took off his briefs, revealing an impressive set of genitals.

“Follow me, messieurs”, Danny smiled and led them to the table.

They took the steps up to the platform. To sit down they had to spread their legs wide apart, and Danny immediately tied them to the legs of the chairs.

The handsome jocks’ genitalia were resting on the wooden plates.

“Nice”, Kev chuckled.

“Not really”, Ben mumbled.

“Here’s the menu. At ‘La Petite Couille’ it is customary that you don’t order for yourself, you order for your companion”, Danny explained with a smile. “Would you like some complimentary still or sparkling water, messieurs?”

“Sparkling”, Kev said.

“Bien sur”, Danny nodded and turned on his heels. “I’ll be right back.”

They looked at the menu.

“Wow”, Kev chuckled. “Looks like we’re in for a treat.”

Ben stared at the pages, his face pale.

“Lighten up, this is gonna be fun!” Kev grinned. “Look at all these fancy names. It’s awesome!”

“I don’t speak French”, Ben mumbled.

Kev laughed. “Well, neither do I. Come on, lighten up.”

When Danny returned with two glasses of water, he handed each of them a pen to mark their orders.

“Ooooh, great choice”, Danny smiled when he saw Kev’s order. “This is going to be a wonderful surprise for your boyfriend.”

Ben grimaced.

“The chef will be with us any second”, Danny said before tying the guys’ hands behind their backs. “He’ll prepare everything right here in front of you.” Danny had a hard time staying serious, glancing at Ben’s and Kev’s exposed genitals. “I hope you’ll enjoy it, messieurs.”

He took a step back and smiled.

“What did you order for me?” Ben mumbled, shifting uncomfortably.

Kev chuckled. “You’ll see, boyfriend.”

Ben blushed.

I chuckled. Both Kev and Ben were straight, but they made a pretty convincing couple.

Vince inhaled deeply and walked onto the stage. He walked down the steps between the guys and opened a little door to enter the middle of the platform. He was standing right below the glass table top, the guys’ crotches on either side of him.

“That’s our chef, Vincent”, Danny said with a smile.

“Hello”, Vince mumbled shyly, turning to Ben and grabbing his junk. He jerked his dick a couple of times until it was hard before gently stretching his sack, pulling his balls at the bottom. Then he took a little wooden bar and fastened it to the plate, trapping his dick and balls on top of the plate.

He did the same with Kev.

Ben looked at Kev, a slightly worried expression on his face.

Danny chuckled. “You’re in for a wild ride…”

Ben grimaced. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

Kev let out a laugh. “Come on, it’s gonna be fun. I can’t wait to see your face when you get your order.”

Vince nodded at Danny who looked into the menu. “The first course, messieurs, is Spicy Meatballs for Monsieur Kev, and Plucked Duck And Onion Puree for Monsieur Ben.” He grinned at them. “Great choice, messieurs. Bon appétit.”

Ben looked at his buddy. “Plucked Duck And--- What the fuck did you order for me?”

“A nice, big plate of pain”, Kev chuckled as Vince prepared Ben’s balls for the procedure. He reached inside a drawer inside the platform and produced a pair of tweezers.

“First”, Vince said with a smile, “we’re going to pluck the duck.” With that, he started ripping out Ben’s pubic hair, one by one.

Kev was laughing his ass off as Vince dutifully pulled out every single one of Ben’s carefully trimmed pubes, starting at his ballsack and working his way up to the root of his dick.

Ben was grunting through his gritted teeth at first, but as the ordeal went on, his grunts turned into yelps, his yelps turned into whimpers, and his whimpers turned into full-blown screams.

Danny chuckled. “Make sure you pluck the duck good and proper, Vincent. We don’t want our guests complaining!”

When Vince was done, Ben’s dick and balls were red and sore. They looked surreal, entirely stripped of his natural hair.

Vince reached into the drawer and pulled out a bottle of rubbing alcohol, generously pouring the liquid over Ben’s freshly plucked dick and balls, making him scream from the top of his lungs.

I couldn’t help but notice that Vince was getting more and more relaxed. His camera-shyness seemed to disappear as soon as he was getting his hands on a nice, fat pair of balls.

I glanced at Chad who shifted uncomfortably, zooming in on Ben’s crotch and his red, wet genitals.

“Now that the duck is plucked let’s see about that onion puree”, Vince said cheerfully as Ben was catching his breath, grimacing in pain.

Vince picked up a rolling pin, winked at Ben and started bashing his balls with it, flattening his bare, hairless balls flat against the wooden plate, alternating between his left and his right nut, diligently squashing Ben’s poor nuts.

Kev was roaring with laughter. “You should see your face, man! Priceless!”

Danny was having trouble to stay in character. He unsuccessfully tried masking his laughter with a coughing fit as Vince bashed away at Ben’s exposed balls.

“I think”, Vince said with a bright smile, “that ought to do.”

Ben groaned, grimacing in pain, staring at his rapidly swelling balls.

Vince chuckled and smashed Ben’s nuts one last time with the rolling pin

Ben let out a bizarre, high-pitched squeal that made Kev, Vince and Danny burst out laughing.

Danny quickly regained his composure, though, announcing, “Now it’s time for the Spicy Meatballs.”

Vince turned to Kev and grinned at him.

“Spicy Meatballs”, Kev chuckled. “What the fuck are you going to do to my balls?”

Vince laughed and pulled a wooden meat mallet out of a drawer. “First we’ve got to tenderize the meatballs”, he said casually, arranging Kev’s nuts on the plate so that they were sitting side by side, with his hard cock pointing up.

Kev looked at the instrument and gulped comically. “Umm. Okay. Sure. We want those meatballs to be nice and tender, right?” He watched helplessly as Vince lined up the mallet with his nuts.

Ben was watching his friend with blatant malice in his eyes. “His meatballs are very tough and doughy”, he grunted through his gritted teeth, dealing with the pain in his plucked, sore, beaten balls. “You have to go extra hard on them.”

Kev couldn’t help but let out a laugh. “Wow, you’re getting into this, huh?”

Vince chuckled and brought the mallet down hard on Kev’s nuts. It landed right in the middle, hitting the left half of his right nut and the right half of his left nut dead on.

Kev’s eyes bulged and he let out an anguished howl that made Ben smile with satisfaction.

“Holy fuck!” Kev shrieked as Vince hammered his left nut, leaving little imprints of the meat mallet’s spiky surface on his sack.

Vince concentrated on Kev’s left nut for a while, smashing it a couple of times, before switching to its companion.

Kev’s voice cracked and he let out a soprano wail that sent shivers down my spine.

Again and again and again the mallet squished Kev’s nuts flat, eliciting all kinds of funny noises from him that mixed with the sound of solid wood pounding tender, soft flesh.

Seeing the pain in his buddy’s face seemed to do wonders for Ben’s recovery. He was snickering and laughing with every nut-smashing blow even though his own balls had turned an angry shade of red and had swollen considerably.

“Okay”, Vince said finally, looking up at Kev’s pain-contorted face. “I think those meatballs are tender enough. Let’s spice things up a little…”

Kev was breathing heavily, his eyes clenched shut. “Sure”, he croaked. “Of course. Spice things up. What else…”

His nutsack was covered in little red dots and his balls looked a little less round after the meat mallet treatment.

“Soft, medium or extra spicy?” Vince asked with a smile.

Kev’s eyes opened wide. Before he had a chance to say something, Ben yelled, “Extra spicy, of course. Make those meatballs burn!”

Kev’s eyes grew as big as saucers as Vince poured a viscid, flaming red fluid over his nutsack, completely covering his tenderized balls with it.

There was a moment of silence.

Kev blinked.

Vince smiled. “It takes a litte moment. I’m sure you’ll---“

Kev’s eyes watered and he gasped for breath. A low, guttural groan escaped his lips, quickly building into a full-blown roar.

Vince grinned. “Extra spicy, just as promised.”

Ben and Danny burst out laughing as Kev’s balls were marinated in Vince’s special chili sauce.

Kev was writhing in his seat, craning his head and screaming from the top of his lungs.

“Now we’ll just let that sink in for a couple of minutes”, Vince chuckled as Kev’s voice turned hoarse. “In the meantime, we’ll turn to the main course.”

Ben grimaced.

Danny looked at the menu and grinned. “Oh, your boyfriend made an excellent choice for you: Brouchette de boules.”

Ben blinked. “Umm. What?!”

Danny chuckled. “What’s the English name for it”, he said in his heavily accented waiter’s voice. “Ah, oui: Shish keballs.”

Ben’s eyes widened as Vince turned to his hairless, swollen balls and picked up a couple of sharp, short spits that looked like toothpicks, and a longer one that resembled a slender knitting needle.

“Holy shit, you can’t be serious”, Ben whispered as Vince lined up one of the small spits with his fat, swollen right nut. Panicking, Ben looked up at his buddy who was grunting and groaning hoarsely while his balls were pickled in Vince’s spicy sauce.

“Shish keballs”, Kev groaned, managing a weak laugh. “I bet you’ll love that.”

Ben blinked. “Kev, you---oughoughoughough!”

In a swift and precise motion, Vince drove the spit right through Ben’s right nut, making Ben yodel in agony.

I cringed in sympathy. I had witnessed Vince practicing with a kiwi a couple of hours earlier, and I couldn’t help but admire his elegant yet forceful technique.

Ben right eye was twitching as he let out a strained groan.

Vince took the second small spit and skewered Ben’s left nut with it, causing him to let out an anguished wail.

Kev grinned weakly. “I bet that hurts…”

Ben let out a long, wheezing groan.

Vince looked at his handiwork and picked up a long spit.

Ben groaned.

After placing Ben’s nuts side by side by moving them with the spits that were sticking out of them, Vince slowly pushed the third spit into Ben’s right ball from the side, adding pressure as the spit went into the tender, swollen flesh further and further, piercing the right testicle before entering its companion.

Ben’s eyes lost focus and he let out a hoarse, guttural grunt as Vince patiently speared both of his nuts with the spit.

Finally, the tip of the spit came out on the other side of his sack, having successfully impaled both of his tender babymakers.

Vince picked up the spit that went through both of Ben’s balls and lifted them up, grinning proudly at the result of his very neat skewering.

“Wow”, Kev chuckled. “That’s what I call Shish Keballs.”

Vince laughed.

“Aren’t there some spicy meatballs that you need to take care of?” Ben said hoarsely, his eyes twitching.

Vince chuckled. “Right, almost forgot about them…” He dropped Ben’s skewered balls, making him yelp in agony.

Then he turned to Kev, leaving Ben staring at his nuts, the pins of the spits sticking out of them.

Vince wiped the chili sauce off of Kev’s nuts, chuckling as he saw the bright red color of his balls. He patted Kev’s balls playfully, grinning, “I think they’re done.”

Kev grimaced. Sweat was running down his handsome face. “Yeah, you could say that.”

“Okay, let’s move on to the main course”, Danny said cheerfully. “Coque Flambé. Excellent choice, Monsieur Ben.” He smiled at Kev, glancing at his meaty, rock-hard dick.

Ben smirked at his buddy, his face contorted in pain. “Yeah.”

“Oh, fuck”, Kev asked, a worried expression on his face.

Vince reached inside a drawer and pulled out a lighter and a little spray can.

“Oh, fuck”, Kev groaned.

Vince activated the spray can and lit the lighter, creating a makeshift bunsenburner with a large flame.

“Oh, fuck!” Kev yelled, staring at the flame.

“Coque flambé”, Ben grinned. “I love that.”

Vince chuckled and directed the flame at Kev’s hard dick and his sore, marinated balls, eliciting an ear-piercing scream as his pubic hair instantly evaporated.

Vince made sure not to expose Kev’s genitals to the fire for too long, just long enough to cause some intense skin irritation – and considerable shock and pain, judging from Kev’s hilarious reaction.

He was screaming from the top of his lungs, his eyes wide open, sweat running down his naked body, as Vince thoroughly flambéed his big, meaty dick and his fat – if a bit lumpy – balls.

Vince gently swung the flame back and forth, making sure not to miss a spot while directing special attention to the veiny underside and the sensitive mushroom head of Kev’s rock-hard cock.

When he turned off the fire, Kev’s dick and his balls were lobster red and steaming. There was not a single hair left, and the rim of Kev’s glans looked a little scorched.

“Holy fuck”, Kev whispered, staring at his red, hot junk. “I can’t believe you just did that!”

Ben let out a bitter laugh. “What about this, huh?!” He nodded at his crotch were his pierced balls were sitting on the wooden plate, throbbing and swollen.

Despite the pain he was in, Kev burst out laughing. “Well, THAT is just funny.”

Ben rolled his eyes.

“Are you ready for dessert, messieur?” Danny asked politely in his heavy French accent.

Kev and Ben looked at each other.

“What now?” Ben groaned as Vince shuffled through another drawer.

“I recommend our Compote Aux Prunes”, Danny smiled. “Unless you’d like to try our Finely Chopped Caramel Nuts or the Poached Eggs à la---“

“We’ll take the Compote oh whatever”, Kev interrupted him. “There’s no way I’ll let you chop up my nuts or poach my eggs.”

Ben nodded quickly.

“La Compote Aux Prunes”, Danny nodded. “Very well, messieurs.” He smiled. “We serve it with a nice big helping of whipped cream if that’s alright.”

Kev grimaced. “Actually---“

“That was not a question”, Danny cut him off gently. “It was just me being… what’s the word… polite.” He couldn’t help but chuckle.

Kev glared at him.

Meanwhile, Vince was pulling the spits out of Ben’s balls, making him squeal like a coloratura soprano at a glass-shattering contest.

The sound of his buddy emulating Maria Callas took Kev’s mind off his own pain and he burst out laughing.

“Fuck you”, Ben groaned.

As soon Vince had put the spits away, he pulled a transparent tube over Ben’s rock-hard dick before doing the same with Kev’s cock.

Kev sighed. “Don’t tell me…”

“The secret of our whipped cream”, Vince said casually. “Is that we whip it while we milk it out.” With that, he flipped a switch and the tubes started vibrating, stimulating the guys’ dicks as Vince reached for a metal spatula.

“Oh god”, Kev moaned.

Ben’s eyes flickered as the milking device worked his dick over.

Vince grinned and whacked Ben’s swollen nuts with the spatula, making him scream in agony. Then he turned to Kev and delivered a hard blow to his nuts that connected with his sore, red nuts with a wet splat.

Kev yodeled from the top of his lungs.

Vince went back and forth between them, smashing their nuts while the milking device was relentlessly stimulating their dicks.

Kev and Ben were moaning and groaning, panting and screaming in pleasure and pain as their nuts were tortured while their cocks were stroked, rubbed, sucked and jerked inside the tube.

“Oh, fuck!” Kev groaned as his breathing quickened and his nuts pulled up inside his sack.

Vince gave them an extra-hard smack with the spatula, making Kev shriek in pain.

“God”, Ben grunted. “Oh my fucking god!”

Vince turned to Ben and smashed his balls just as the first blast of cum was coaxed out of his dick and splattered against the inside of the transparent tube.

Vince squashed Ben’s busy balls flat with the spatula, hitting it again and again and again in rapid succession as they emptied their contents into the tube.

Ben was screaming and squealing from the top of his lungs as the milking machine sucked out every bit of spunk from his aching, swollen babymakers.

An deep, guttural moan of pleasure form Kev made Vince turn away and focus on Kev’s babymakers – just in time to see the first spurt of cum fly out of his dick.

Quickly, Vince brought the spatula down on Kev’s roasted, red nuts as if he was trying to splat a rat. Kev’s balls were flattened and he let out a gurgling cough as Vince continued mashing his precious potatoes while jet after creamy jet of spunk sputtered out of his dick.

Vince made sure to keep the milking devices running an extra minute after the guys’ orgasms had subsided, just to make sure that every drop of spunk was sucked out of their battered balls.

Finally, he lifted the tubes off the guys’ cocks.

The forcefully extracted cream poured over their drained balls, garnishing the swollen, bruised plums with salty icing. Their rapidly shriveling dicks landed on top with a wet splat, like a sweet, tasty topping.

“Mmh”, Danny said. “Delicious!”

Kev and Ben were panting, their naked bodies covered in sweat.

Danny looked at Vince. “I’m sure our guests would like to take the leftovers with them.”

Vince chuckled and pulled out a roll of tin foil.

A moment later he had wrapped Ben’s and Kev’s tortured dick and balls in foil in the shape of two beautiful swans.

The two hunks stared at their crotches, incredulous expressions on their faces.

“Alors, messieurs”, Danny said while Vince was untying Ben and Kev. “Thank you for visiting us. I’m sure you’ll have a wonderful, romantic night!” He winked at them.

Without a word, Kev and Ben wobbled off the set, bowlegged, their genitals wrapped in tin foil, the head of the swan guiding the way…

“Cut!” I yelled. “Great work everybody!”

“Holy fuck”, Kev groaned, carefully unwrapping the tin foil and inspecting his dick and balls. His cock was floppy and fiery red, and his balls were almost ridiculously swollen. “Holy fuck”, he repeated, rolling his nuts between his fingers, grimacing in pain.

“Don’t worry”, Vince smiled. “You’ll be okay in a couple of weeks.”

“What about me?” Ben groaned. “You fucking pierced my fucking nuts.”

Vince chuckled. “Yeah, that was pretty intense.”

“Fucking right!” Ben grunted.

“But there seems to be no lasting damage, right?” Vince leaned over, ripped the tin foil swan off Ben’s genitals and scooped up a bit of Ben’s drying cum. He tasted it and shrugged. “Tastes perfectly fine.” He held his finger up to Ben’s mouth. “Wanna try it yourself?”

Kev let out a laugh as Ben shook his head, pressing his lips shut.

“Don’t worry, Ben”, Kev grinned, playfully smacking Ben’s nuts with the back of his hand, making Ben scream in pain. “Nothing can destroy your balls of steel, right?”

Ben blinked. His face lit up. “Right! Fucking right!”

I chuckled. “Alright, guys, thank you so much! Anybody up for seconds?”

Ben and Kev stared at me, thunderstruck.

Vince, Danny, Chad and I burst out laughing.