Three and a half men

Featured in this story: Chad, Erik and Vince (click for pictures)

I opened the door to the studio and walked in.

“Wow”, I said. “Nothing has changed… ” I looked at my cameraman Chad. “It’s weird. On the one hand, it feels like I have been away for ages, but on the other hand everything has stayed the same. You, for example, don’t look a day older than when I left for Europe…”

The handsome 30 year old shrugged and ran his hand through his brown hair. He was wearing blue jeans and a white t-shirt. “Oh, by the way, I called Vince and told him you’ve come back”, he said. “He’s on his way.”

Right on cue, the door opened and Vince smiled at me. He was 20 years old, but he looked younger than that, with brown hair and green eyes. He tried to appear older but his goatee looked slightly ridiculous on him… He was a bit of a nerd, and served as our technician and prep guy. If you needed some vicious machine to crunch some testicles, Vince was your guy.

“Welcome back, Alex”, Vince smiled.

“Good to see you”, I replied and hugged him.

“I’ve brought you a present”, Vince grinned.

I raised my eyebrows and shielded my crotch with my hands. “Try it on Chad”, I said quickly.

Chad groaned and opened his belt. “What is it this time?” He sighed and pulled down his jeans and his boxer briefs, putting his ample genitalia on full display.

I chuckled. “I feels great to be back…”

Vince produced a little wooden box with a hole in it and held it up for us to see. “I call it ‘The Testikiller’.”

Chad shifted uncomfortably.

“Sounds interesting”, I said.

“It’s very simple”, Vince explained as he knelt down in front of Chad and grabbed his sac. “You put your scrotum into this opening. Inside the box is a mechanism that works like a vice.” He stuffed Chad’s nuts inside the box, making the studly cameraman wince and squirm. The first ball went through without problems. “Hmm, maybe I should make the opening a bit wider”, Vince said slowly as he pressed his thumb into Chad’s other nut until it plopped into the box. “After all, we are dealing with testicles way above average size.”

I nodded.

“Okay”, Vince said, smiling. “Done.”

Chad looked down at his crotch. The wooden box was dangling below his limp cock. Chad didn’t look very happy.

Vince grinned and showed me a simple remote control. It had two buttons, a pink one and a red one.

“What are those for?” I asked.

“Well, you choose the color you want his nuts to be”, Vince winked at me.

Chad gulped.

“The pink one is for the vice. It squeezes the nuts for as long as you push it”, Vince continued and demonstrated the effect by pushing the pink button.

Chad’s eyes bulged and his mouth opened wide as he let out a high-pitched yelp. “Holy shit”, he groaned.

Vince let go of the pink button, and Chad doubled over, grabbing the wooden box between his thighs.

“Well”, I said. “Nice work. But I think our viewers would like to see the action, you know, if it happens in a closed box they’ll think that we’re cheating them…”

Vince smiled and nodded. “I thought of that”, he said and gently pried Chad’s hands away from the box.

Chad was panting heavily and watched as Vince removed the front of the box, giving us a full view of Chad’s testicles and the mechanics inside.

Vince pushed the pink button again and the vice trapped Chad’s testicles and flattened them considerably, causing Chad to let out an agonized wail.

I grimaced in sympathy as I watched the two tender nuggets crunched flat in the vice.

Vince looked proud as he continued to press the pink button. “And the red one – well, I thought it might be nice to play with some electricity for a change.”

Chad looked at him in horror, his face contorted in pain.

“You have to push both buttons at the same time. It sends electric shockwaves through his testicles”, Vince said. “Want me demonstrate it?”

“Sure, why not”, I grinned.

“No way---“ Chad tried to protest, but he was cut short by an electrical wheezing that echoed through the room as Vince I watched the spectacle with great interest.

Chad’s flattened balls quivered and trembled, and we suddenly smelled a scent of burnt hair as his nuts were fried by Vince’s cruel contraption. Chad’s eyes fluttered and his nose twitched as Vince roasted his testicles for a couple of seconds.

When Vince let go of the buttons, the wheezing stopped and the vice returned to its original position while the two large orbs regained their original shape.

After just a split-second of silence, Chad let out an ear-piercing scream that made both Vince and me shudder.

Chad’s face was covered in sweat, his mouth was hanging open and his eyes were crossed as he slowly sank to the ground, shrieking in pain.

“Impressive”, I shouted over Chad’s screams.

“Thanks”, Vince shouted back at me. “And you can do all sorts of funny things, like doing a quiz. The contestant gives the wrong answer? Bzzzz.” To demonstrate his point, he pushed both buttons, making Chad squirm on the ground and howl in pain as his testicles were squished and shocked at the same time.

Vince looked at me and grinned. He let go of the buttons and Chad’s howls turned into pathetic whimpers.

I grimaced in sympathy. “I get the point.”

Vince thought for a moment. “Or make a guy do fifty sit-ups. If he can’t make it – bzzzz.”

Again, he pushed both buttons at the same time, causing Chad’s body to convulse as his screams filled the room.

“Yeah, I get it”, I said quickly.

Vince let go of the buttons and nodded. “Or you could have two guys compete against each other. And the loser – bzzzz.”

He pressed the buttons once more.

I cringed in sympathy as Chad’s nuts were roasted once again. By now, his screams had turned into hoarse yells and he was sweating profusely.

“It’s enough, Vince”, I shouted, beginning to seriously fear for Chad’s ability to father children. “I get it.”

Vince let go of the buttons and looked at me. “I’m still working on the right power voltage. Do we want medium-rare or well-done?”

Chad was totally out of it. He was whimpering and moaning, his legs were kicking and he looked like he had spent a couple of days in a steam room.

I looked at Chad and grimaced in sympathy. “Nothing more than medium-rare. Definitely.”

Vince nodded. “Okay, then I’ll have to adjust it…” He knelt down next to Chad who was panting and coughing, and pulled at the box.

Chad whimpered in pain.

Vince sighed. “Damn. Now his testicles are even bigger than before. I’ll really have to widen that opening.” He sighed and pushed his thumbs into Chad’s swollen nuts until they squeezed through the hole, making Chad scream from the top of his lungs.

Finally, his nuts were free, and Vince grabbed the two hefty orbs with his hand. “See? Red…”

I nodded and smiled. “Good work…”

“Thanks”, Vince smiled as Chad curled up in a ball, whimpering and moaning.

A few minutes later, we were sitting in the kitchen. Chad had put a bag of ice on his crotch. He eyed Vince with blatant hatred as I told them about my plans for the next few months.

We were going to put the team back together and make new clips for our viewers. As far as we knew, everyone would be onboard: the jocks Kev and Ben, the gymnastic  twins Will and Michael, our favourite C-movie actor Danny, skaters Leo and Sammy, swimmer Cal, high school wrestler Logan, geeky Simon, and of course frat guy Zach whose enormous genitalia was something I was very much looking forward to.

“Oh”, I said, “and I’m gonna have a new assistant. At least for a while.” I looked at my watch. “He’s going to be here any minute.”

Chad looked at me, apparently forgetting about his pain for a second. “A new assistant?“

I smiled at him. “He’s a nice guy, you’ll like him. He’s going to do all the stuff in the office, and maybe he’ll help out now and then.” I leaned forward and patted Chad’s knee. “Don’t worry, he’s not your replacement.”

Chad eyed me suspiciously.

“Don’t worry, he could never replace you”, I repeated.

Suddenly the door opened and Erik walked in.

He was 19 years old, a handsome young man with blond hair and blue eyes. I had met him during my time in Europe and we had become friends.

“Hi”, he said cheerfully. He saw the ice bag on Chad’s crotch and grinned. “You started without me?”

“Chad, Vince, this is Erik”, I introduced him.

“Nice to meet you”, Vince said politely and shook Erik’s hand.

Chad scoffed. “Now I know what’s going on”, he said slowly. “You’re trying to get your boyfriend into the business…” He chuckled. “Alex, Alex – I bet he’s a good lay, huh?”

Erik grinned. “Well, I am, of course, but---“

 “Erik’s not my boyfriend”, I said, blushing.

Chad laughed. “Yeah, sure, whatever.”

“He’s not”, I insisted.

“Alex is not my type”, Erik said. “I prefer breasts and a vagina.”

“And I prefer a full set of testicles”, I said.

Chad and Vince stared at me, then at Erik.

Erik shrugged and unbuttoned his jeans. He was not wearing any underwear, and Chad and Vince watched as he grabbed his junk in his hand.

Erik pointed at his lone nut and grinned. “This is it. Who needs two of those, huh?”

“Interesting”, Vince said slowly.

Chad shifted on his seat and rearranged the ice bag on his crotch. “Be careful around here, son. You may lose that one faster than you think…”

Erik laughed.

“Don’t listen to him”, I said. “We’ve never lost a nut…”

Vince looked at me and pointed at the ‘Testikiller’. “May I?”

I shrugged.

Vince cleared his throat and smiled at Erik. He grabbed the wooden box and said, “This is an invention of mine. I’d like to see if it works with one nut as well as it does with two…”

Erik grinned. “Sure, go ahead.”

Vince couldn’t hide his excitement. He motioned for Erik to come closer, then he tried to insert his only testicle into the opening. “Damn”, he mumbled. “That one’s even bigger than Chad’s…”

Erik tried to remain casual, but it was obvious that he was in pain as Vince tried to push and squeeze his testicle into the hole. 

Finally, Vince sighed and raised his hand. He slammed his palm down on Erik’s nut, causing Erik’s mouth to open wide in pain. He let out a breathless cough.

Vince smiled. “That did the trick.”

“Yup”, Erik said hoarsely.

Vince looked at Erik’s nut inside the box and nodded. He grabbed the remote.

Chad and I leaned forward and watched as Vince pushed the pink button.

“Oh, fuck!” Erik yelled as the vice trapped his testicle and flattened it like a pancake. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!”

Vince let go of the button and Erik’s nut returned to its original shape.

“Fuck”, Erik panted. “That was intense…”

Vince pushed the pink button again, making Erik’s eyes cross and eliciting a guttural groan.

Vince pointed at the trapped nutmeat and turned to me. “You could do all sorts of things, now”, he said, “like stab it with a needle or something. Or maybe just flick it with your finger.”

“I don’t know”, I said.

“Like this”, Vince said and playfully flicked Erik’s ball.

Erik let out a shriek, causing Vince to chuckle.

“See?” he said.

I nodded. “I got it.”

“Could you please let go?” Erik whispered in a toneless voice.

“Sure.” Vince  let go of the button. “That’s it.”

“What?” Chad said incredulously. “You haven’t pushed the red one.”

Vince shrugged. “I’ve already tested it on you. I don’t have to---“

“You’ve fried my nuts but you’re not going to fry his nut?” Chad said, looking seriously offended.

Erik cleared his throat, grimacing in pain. “Erm, what do you mean by ‘fry’?”

Vince shrugged again. “I don’t know. It’s the only one he has left…”

Chad scoffed. “Well, you shocked the only two nuts I have left.”

“Guys”, Erik said slowly. “What do you mean by ‘fry’?”

Vince rolled his eyes and handed Chad the remote control. “Do you want to do the honors?”

Chad’s mouth turned into a huge grin. “Oh yeah.”

Erik was doubled over, his hands on his knees. He looked at me. “Seriously, what does he mean by ‘fry’?”

I opened my mouth to say something, but I was interrupted by the wheezing sound of electricity as Chad pushed both buttons at once.

Erik screamed from the top of his lungs, his body convulsing, his muscles strained.

“That”, I said meekly as I watched Erik’s ball get roasted by Vince’s invention.

Erik’s lone nut vibrated and his body was shaking as he screamed and shrieked like a pig in a slaughterhouse.

I sighed. “Chad, that’s enough.”

Chad ignored me.

“Hey”, I shouted, trying to be louder than poor Erik’s agonized howling. “It’s enough!”

Chad shot me a determined look and shouted back, “My nuts were roasted for like two minutes!”

“Chad!” I yelled, eyeing Erik as his eyes rolled back into his head and his screams grew higher in pitch and volume.

I reached over to my cameraman and quickly pulled the ice bag from his lap. He hadn’t closed his jeans and his swollen nuts were bulging inside his underwear. I raised my fist and let it smash down on Chad’s jewels.

Chad reacted as if I had used a hammer to pummel his testicles.

He yodeled from the top of his lungs, immediately letting go of the remote and grabbing his crotch. His face contorted in pain as he fell down from his chair and curled up on the floor, screaming obscenities at me.

At the same time, Erik collapsed and joined Chad on the ground, his body twisting and turning, wailing in pain.

A few minutes later, we were sitting in the kitchen. Two bags of ice were placed on Chad’s and Erik’s crotches. Chad eyed me with blatant hatred. Erik watched Chad with similar feelings.

I sighed. It was good to be back…