A dream come true

Featured in this story: Erik (click for pictures)

„I can’t wait to meet Megan Fox and Samuel L. Jackson. Today is only the dress rehearsal so there will be stand-ins taking their places. But tomorrow they’ll be here. Isn’t that awesome?” Erik looked at me, and I could see the excitement in his eyes.

Erik had been talking for ten minutes straight, telling me all about his new show. He was very proud that he had finally managed to convince the head of the TV station to give him his own show.

“I can’t wait to see your face when you see the stand-in for Megan Fox. She looks like she’s her twin sister. I mean, wow!” Erik went on. “Yesterday, we went out for a date and I fucked her until four in the morning.” Erik grinned and grabbed his crotch. “The past few days have taken their toll on my nuts. But when I saw that girl I knew I had to have her…”

I had no idea what Erik had done to make his dream come true and star in his own show – but knowing Katya, the beautiful, sex-crazed Russian who ran the station and acted as the producer of Erik’s show – I  was pretty sure that he had used very single part of his body to get what he wanted…

“She looks just like Megan Fox and I fucked her until four in the morning”, Erik repeated, giddy with excitement. “I fucked her three times. Can you believe that? I can’t wait to meet Megan Fox tomorrow. Maybe I’ll fuck her, too. That’d be awesome!”

Erik had insisted that I come and be there for the dress rehearsal, and since I had no other plans, I happily accepted. Frankly, I’d never thought that Erik would make it this far. He had started as a stage-hand on my game show “The Balls Of Others”, smashing testicles with a lot of enthusiasm. When he’d left my show to work for Katya and be her sidekick on a similar TV show, I had been sure that that would be it.

“I haven’t met the stand-in for Samuel L. Jackson, yet”, Erik continued. “It’s Katya’s newest sex toy. I bet he’s as dumb as a slice of bread. All of Katya’s men are. Do you remember those Ukranians? Ugh…”

Erik had always dreamt about creating a TV show that involved celebrities and ball-bashing, and of course he had pictured himself as the host. I had dismissed those ideas as the high-flying fantasies of a 20-year-old hothead.

But apparently there was more to him than that.

“I’m gonna be famous – can you believe that?” Erik said all of a sudden, a dreamy look on his face.

“Congratulations”, I replied and smiled at Erik. “You really made it.”

He was wearing a smart black suit and a white shirt, and I had to admit that he looked very professional and very hot. He had a new haircut that made his blond hair look messy and wild. He looked like a star.

He had shown me the set and I couldn’t help but notice that he was walking a bit funny. When I asked him about it, he shrugged. “Work, you know. We have been rehearsing all week and I went to ballbusting boot camp, and, well, let’s just say that my nuts are tougher than ever.” He grinned sheepishly. “The things we do for fame, right?” He grimaced and adjusted his crotch. “Yesterday I had a bunch of cheerleaders kick my junk.” He grimaced as he remembered the pain. “Seriously, I thought they’d put me out of commission for a while... But then I met that Megan Fox stand-in, and my equipment worked just fine. Three times in one night… And tomorrow night, after the show, I’ll get a big bag of ice and everything is gonna be alright…”

“You sure?” I grinned. “I bet there’ll be a lot of girls who’ll want a piece of you…”

Erik smiled. “Oh yeah. I’ll fuck them all!” He winked at me. “But first I’ll fuck Megan Fox. The real one, I mean.”

I laughed.

“I really want to thank you”, Erik said, “you know, you really inspired me.”

I was touched. Erik could be an arrogant prick sometimes, but right now I felt genuinely moved. I didn’t know what to say, so I just smiled at him. For a moment, I felt the urge to hug him, and I was sure he was thinking the same thing.

I cleared my throat and looked at my watch. “The rehearsal is gonna start in 5 minutes, right?”

Erik nodded. “I gotta go backstage. You are going to watch the rehearsal, right? And I have front row seats for the live show tomorrow.”

I smiled. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

He hugged me and walked away, slightly bow-legged.

I chuckled and sat down on one of the chairs where the audience was going to sit tomorrow night. The set for the show looked great, if a bit average. It was clearly inspired by the various late night talk shows, with a desk and a Big City At Night backdrop. I smiled. Erik had made it. Incredible.

A few seconds later, the theme music started playing and a male voice-over stated, “Welcome to the very first addition of ‘Late Night Gone Wild – Two Guests And A Pair Of Nuts’. And here is your host: Erik Hanson.”

Two displays on either side of the set flashed “Applause!” in red letters.

Erik walked onstage like a pro, a toothy smile on his face, yelling, “Thank you! Thank you!”, pretending the audience was packed and going wild with applause, even though it was just a couple of stagehands who clapped their hands slowly, looking bored.

“Thank you”, Erik said when they had stopped clapping. “Late Night Gone Wild. Here we are. The motto of our show is ‘Two Guests And A Pair Of Nuts’ – for those of you who skipped math: That’s one nut per guest... Well, first of all, let me introduce you to the nuts in question…” He grinned and grabbed the front of his white pants. With a quick motion, he pulled them off like a dancer in a third-class strip club, revealing a pair of baby-blue underwear that clung tight to his body. There was a strategically placed hole in them that allowed for his hairless balls to swing freely. “Look at those”, he chuckled. “Man, have you ever seen a pair of nuts like this?” He grabbed the neck of his sac with his left hand and pulled his balls down so they were trapped at the bottom of his scrotum, looking like two big, juicy plums in a tight plastic bag.

I looked at one of the screens above the set. Erik’s balls looked bigger than I remembered them. And they looked pretty red. I chuckled. Ballbusting boot camp had clearly left a mark: Obviously, those testicles had taken their fair share of abuse.

“Beautiful, huh?” Erik grinned, looking down at his crotch. He gave them a quick slap with his right hand and grimaced. “Damn, those are some tender suckers!” He slapped them again and howled in pain. “Oh, man…” He lifted his right hand again – but then he hesitated and lifted his head. “Katya?” he said weakly. “I’ll just pretend, alright?”

There was a crack on the PA, then a female voice with a thick Russian accent responded, “Don’t interrupt the run-through!”

Erik cleared his throat. “I just want to make sure that---“

“It’s the dress rehearsal!” Katya said impatiently. “We’ll do everything just like it’s going to be tomorrow.”

“But---“

“Erik!” Katya said sharply.

“Okay”, Erik sighed. He closed his eyes and inhaled slowly. Then he opened them and put on his smile again. “Oh, man, look at this!” He slapped his own balls hard and doubled over, letting go of his battered balls and resting his hands on his knees. He looked up and said in a strained voice. “You like this, huh?”

The “Applause!”-sign lit up again and the bored stagehands clapped their hands.

Erik straightened and smiled weakly. “Oh, you’ll get a lot more of this later in the show. And we have two great guests: Samuel L. Jackson will be here. We are not on a motherfucking plane and there are no motherfucking snakes – but I’ve been told that he’s been looking forward to kick my motherfucking nuts!”

Applause.

“And the gorgeous Megan Fox! We’ll talk about her great new movie Transformers 6 – and maybe she’ll want to transform my balls, too…”

Applause.

During the next five minutes Erik delivered a reasonably funny monologue that involved some swipes at the Kardashians (“ball-breaking bitches”), Santa Claus (“I bet he got himself a cup for Christmas. I hear Mrs. Claus is on the warpath again because of that video with those naughty elves…”) and Mitt Romney (“47% of his wives want to castrate him. The others don’t think he has any balls.”).

During the break for commercials, a make-up girl hurried onstage. Erik closed his eyes, expecting her to freshen up his facial make-up, but she went straight for his nuts and grabbed them in a tight grip that made Erik whimper in pain.

“Careful”, he whispered.

“They are shiny”, the girl mumbled and applied some make-up and powder. “And red.”

She didn’t seem to be very gentle, and Erik squirmed and grimaced.

“Still shiny”, the girl said in a voice that was dripping with disapprovement.

“I’m sorry”, Erik croaked.

“Katya”, the girl shouted. “Sorry, I can’t do anything about it.”

The PA cracked. “Okay, let’s go on. We’ll deal with it later.”

The theme music started playing and the “Applause!”-sign flashed as the girl left the stage.

“Welcome back”, Erik said cheerfully, suppressing the pain in his throbbing balls like a true entertainer. “And now it’s time to welcome our first guest of the night: Samuel L. Jackson!”

The two stage-hands clapped their hands as a huge guy who looked like a steroid-enhanced version of Dolph Lundgren entered through the door. He looked like bodybuilder, wearing tight blue jeans and a white t-shirt both of which seemed like they were going to burst any second due to the unnatural mass of muscles they contained.

“Mr. Jackson”, Erik smiled and shook the redhead’s hand. “Welcome to our show. How are you?”

The bodybuilder stared at him, a blank expression on his face. “I’m not Mr. Jackson.”

Erik was startled for a moment. “Um. I know. But you are playing Mr. Jackson so I’ll refer to you as Mr. Jackson. So how are you, Mr. Jackson?”

“But I’m not Mr. Jackson.” The blond hunk looked genuinely confused.

Erik sighed. “You are great, huh? That’s fantastic. I hear you have a new video out there, right?”

The dumb giant blinked.

Erik rolled his eyes. “Okay, and then we talk about the video and the presidential campaign and he talks about why Mitt Romney is the wrong choice and why Barack Obama is a good president and I mention the website www.wtfu2012.com and tell everyone to watch the video because it’s funny and so on and so on and so on.” He paused. “And then I make a joke about chocolate salty balls and he makes a joke about my balls and then I invite him to kick them and he does and I say ‘Now it’s my turn to kick your nuts’ and he says ‘No fucking way, motherfucker’ and kicks my balls some more until I’m on the ground whimpering in pain and screaming for my mommy. And then---“

The PA cracked. “Let’s see that”, Katya said.

“Oh, come on!” Erik said and pointed at the redhead. “This guy didn’t do the dialogue. We don’t have to do the action!”

“The dialogue is easy”, Katya said sharply. “But we’ll have to get the camera angles for the nut-kicking. So get on with it.”

Erik sighed and looked at the bodybuilder. “You think you can do that?”

“What?”

Erik was losing his patience. “Kick my fucking balls!”

“I don’t---“

“Thor”, Katya said sharply. “Kick his fucking balls!”

“But that’ll hurt”, Thor replied slowly.

Erik rolled his eyes. “See? He can’t do it.”

“Thor!” Katya barked. “Remember last night?”

Thor concentrated hard. Then his face lit up.

“You’ll never ever get to do that again if you don’t kick his fucking balls!” Katya said.

“Oh”, Thor said with a sad expression on his face. “But I liked that.”

“I know”, Katya said. “And I liked it, too. But you’ll never get to do that again if you don’t kick his fucking balls right now.”

Thor nodded and bit his lower lip.

Erik grabbed his balls and spread his legs, letting his swollen, red nuggets dangle between his thighs. “Okay, Mr. Jackson, squash those motherfucking nuts.”

Thor stared at Erik’s goods and brought his leg back. His feet were as huge as the rest of his body and he was wearing black leather boots.

Erik looked at them and shuddered. “Go easy on me, okay?” he whispered.

“Go as hard as you can”, Katya said at the same time.

Now Thor was confused again and he looked up in the air for help.

“Okay, this is unprofessional”, Erik said. “I can’t work like this. Don’t we have another guy to do this?”

“Thor!” Katya yelled over the PA. “As hard as you can.”

Thor brought his leg back again, a fierce expression on his face. After just a few seconds of concentrating on his target, he let his foot sail in between Erik’s legs like he was hellbent on kicking his balls into orbit. Apparently whatever Katya had been talking about was a major incentive…

The kick was right on target and the tip of Thor’s boot connected perfectly with Erik’s plump, juicy danglers, smashing them into his pelvis with a resounding smack and lifting Erik’s body off the ground.

Erik screamed at the top of his lungs and came crashing down on the floor, curling up in a ball and screeching in pain.

Thor looked down at him, a dumbfounded expression on his face.

It took a couple of moments before Erik croaked. “That was some motherfucking kick, Mr. Jackson… You really nailed those suckers…”

I couldn’t help but admire the fact that Erik managed to stay in character.

Thor looked at him.

Erik groaned and struggled to get up, clutching his bruised genitals and grimacing in pain. “Now it’s my turn. Spread your legs, Mr. Jackson.”

Thor blinked.

Erik let out an annoyed grunt. “You say ‘No fucking way, motherfucker’ and kick my balls some more until I’m on the ground whimpering in pain and screaming for my mommy.” When Thor brought his leg back, Erik added quickly, “But, please, go easy on---“

He was interrupted by another hit that hit Erik’s dangling targets like lightning. Thor didn’t seem to be the brightest example of men but he sure knew how to kick some testicles.

Erik’s tender nuggets were flattened like pancakes as Thor’s oversized boot connected with them. I looked at the screen where a close-up of Erik’s nuts reaffirmed my suspicion that Thor had managed to score a perfect hit.

Erik’s balls were bloated and red, and apparently they were lodged firmly in his throat, judging by the way his voice sounded. He coughed and croaked, his eyes clenched shut.

Thor waited for a second. Then he seemed to remember what he was supposed to do: Kick Erik’s nuts until he was on the ground whimpering in pain and screaming for his mommy. With a determined expression on his face, Thor launched another nut-crunching kick between Erik’s thighs, causing poor Erik to scream from the top of his lungs.

The “Applause!”-sign flashed and the two stagehands clapped their hands. They didn’t seem to be as bored as before. Both of them were laughing as Erik yodeled like a Swiss school girl when Thor’s boot found its target once again.

This kick was devastating. I had seen a lot of testicular violence in my career, hundreds of crunched nuts and busted balls, but this eye-watering kick was an all-time highlight. I watched Erik’s face as his eyes crossed inward and his mouth started trembling. His knees gave and he slowly sank to the ground, a gurgling, croaking sound escaping his lips.

He was down for the count. It was over. But apparently Thor didn’t think so. On Erik’s way down, his balls met the tip of Thor’s boot and Erik’s tender testicles were scrambled once again.

Erik’s eyes filled with tears and he let out a soprano wail as he curled up on the floor, rocking back and forth.

“Mommy!” Erik screamed. “Mommy!”

Applause.

Thor had a stupid grin on his face.

Sobbing and thrashing on the ground, Erik miraculously managed to remember his lines and said, “Thank you, Mr. Jackson. We’ll be back with Megan Fox right after this short little break.”

I grimaced in sympathy as I watched the make-up girl pry his hands away from his crotch.

Thor looked down and chuckled. “Wow, that looks like a full sac of testicle mash…”

Erik whimpered. “Now you try to be witty all of a sudden?”

Thor shrugged and walked off the stage.

The make-up girl sighed and stared at Erik’s crotch. “Boy, this is a mess. How am I supposed to make this look good?” She shot Erik an angry look and brutally slammed her powder puff into his sore sac.

Erik screamed in pain and the make-up girl mumbled, “Serves you right…”

A couple of minutes later, the rehearsal continued. Erik was leaning against the desk. His nuts had swollen considerably and were the dark red color of over-ripe cherries. How on earth was he able to continue? The will to be famous seemed to trump the unbearable pain that was radiating from his testicles.

He was standing bow-legged, his face sweaty and red. His balls looked like a pair of red balloons, contrasting very nicely with his baby-blue underwear. He gingerly walked around the desk and sat down in the chair, groaning.

“Welcome back”, he said in a strained voice. “And now welcome Megan Fox, star of Transformers 6.”

The “Applause!”-sign flashed and the stagehands clapped their hands.

Erik looked at the door that was at the center of the set. But the door remained closed.

“Katya?” Erik said weekly.

The PA cracked. “One second.”

A moment later, the door opened and Thor walked on stage again.

Erik stared at him, his mouth hanging open. “Whe--- where is the girl?”

Thor looked at him. “Who?”

“The girl who looks like Megan Fox”, Erik said. “The stand-in.”

“I’m gonna do it”, Thor said, smiling dumbly.

“No way! No fucking way!” Erik wailed. “Where’s the girl?”

The PA cracked. “She was late so I fired her.”

“What?” Erik screeched.

“Pull yourself together”, Katya said sharply. “Thor will take her place.”

Erik started to protest but Katya cut him off: “Be professional for God’s sake!”

Erik whimpered and turned to Thor. “Be gentle this time! Remember, you are standing in for Megan Fox now and she’s a tiny little girl, alright?” Erik looked at Thor. “Alright?”

Thor stared back at him.

“Fuck”, Erik whispered. “Okay.” He cleared his throat. “Okay.” He stood and shook Thor’s hand. “Welcome to the show, Megan.”

“Who’s Megan?” Thor asked.

“You fucking moron”, Erik mumbled. “Damn, let’s get this over with. You look great, Megan!”

Thor shot Erik a suspicious look.

Erik sighed. “She says something that she hears that all the time. I ask her what it’s like to be a hot star and she tells me some dumb story about wanting to be taken seriously and about winning an Oscar and about being a serious actress. Then I ask her about her new film and we talk about the success of the Transformers movies. Then I make a dumb joke about her being the only thing worth watching those movies for. Then she objects to being called a thing and tells me she’ll rip my balls off if I keep being a sexist.” Erik paused. “Katya, do we have to go on?” he asked pleadingly.

The PA cracked. “What do you think?”

Erik sighed. “Then I ask her if she uses machines in private, too, and she pretends to get mad and challenges me to stand up and put my balls on the desk.” Erik groaned and stood. “I make some silly comment like ‘Why, Megan, what are you up to?’ and then I do as she says.” Gingerly, Erik placed his bloated, swollen balls on the wooden table and looked at Thor. “And then”, he said in a toneless voice. “Megan smashed my nuts with her fist.”

Thor nodded slowly and balled his fist. He raised it up and sent it smashing down like a hammer. Erik screamed from the top of his lungs when his balls were flattened yet again, with Thor’s fist smashing his soft, tender nuggets into the hard surface of the wooden desk.

Erik gagged. His face turned pale and he stared down at his mangled nuts in disbelief. They looked incredibly swollen and bruised, almost disfigured. “Fuck”, he croaked.

The “Applause!”-sign flashed and the stagehands clapped their hands and cheered.

Thor stared at Erik. “Now what?”

Tears were running down Erik’s face. “She… she… oh, fuck… she grabs my nuts and squeezes them”, he whimpered.

Thor nodded and grabbed Erik’s tender nuggets in his huge hand.

Erik inhaled sharply. Apparently, every touch was causing incredible pain.

Thor’s hand closed around Erik’s poor, bashed balls and started squeezing hard. The bodybuilder’s biceps flexed as he crunched Erik’s nuts between his fingers.

Erik’s screams filled the room and I winced in sympathy when I saw the close-up on the screen.

“She threatens to rip them off”, Erik whispered, panting, and quickly added, “But she doesn’t really do it, rip them off I mean, she just threatens to do it.”

Thor had a confused expression on his face. “So… What? Do you want me to rip them off?” he asked, pressing his thumb into the big, fleshy orbs in his hand.

“Nononono”, Erik whimpered. “Just… I don’t know… Twist a little bit and pull a little bit. But don’t rip them off!”

Thor nodded and increased the pressure. Concentrating hard, he twisted Erik’s balls and yanked them towards him, making Erik’s eyes widen in pain. He let out a blood-curdling scream that made Thor yank even harder.

“Enough! Enough! I can’t take any more”, Erik cried out.

Thor let go of Erik’s testicles, causing them to drop on top of the wooden desk with an almost inaudible splat.

They looked gruesome. They were swollen almost to the size of apples, and color resembled that of a fire truck.

Erik’s face was a mask of pain. Tears were running down his face and his clothes were soaked with sweat. Nevertheless, he tried his best to say his lines. That boy sure was determined to make this show a success.

“Thank you, Man--- I mean, Megan, if you put the same energy into your acting career I’m sure you’ll be--- Fuck--- you’ll get an Oscar very soon”, Erik said in a strained voice. “Megan Fox, ladies and gentlemen!”

Thor exited the stage accompanied by the applause and the cheers of the stagehands.

Erik gingerly walked around the desk and faced the camera. “Now, have I promised you too much?” he said, trying to sound energetic and fun. “Tune in next week and watch Lady Gaga and Wayne Rooney have their way with my balls.” He gingerly grabbed his crotch and winced. “Oh fuck”, he whispered, looking down at his groin. “This is---“ He groaned and let go of his sac. “I--- oh fuck….”

The PA cracked. “Pull yourself together! Two more lines and we are done for tonight.”

Erik closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. “I--- I’m not sure---“

“Fucking do it already!” Katya barked.

Erik whimpered and grabbed the neck of his sac with his left hand. “And visit us on the web to see some more ballbusting from behind the scenes.” He raised his right hand and closed his eyes. “Thank you for watching---“ His voice trailed off. He cleared his throat. “Thank you for watching and remember: Nuts are for crunching!” With a miserable expression on his face, he slapped his own balls hard.

The stagehands started clapping their hands and the theme music played as Erik screamed in pain, stumbled forward and collapsed on the floor, curling up in a little ball.

The PA cracked. “Thank you. That’s it. Debriefing in five. ”

I walked over to Erik and squatted down next to him.

“How are you?” I asked.

Erik sobbed. “That idiot ruined my balls”, he whimpered.

“I know”, I said, grimacing in sympathy. “I really admire you for going through with this. You are a pro, Erik.”

Erik looked at me and smiled, forgetting about his pain for a second. “Really? You think so?”

I nodded. “That was incredible.” I looked down at his crotch and he followed my gaze.

“Oh God”, he whispered, staring at the two swollen orbs.

I grimaced. “I guess there won’t be any fucking tonight, huh?”

Erik shook his head, tentatively fondling his sore testicles. He groaned and got up.

“Do you want me to bring you home?” I asked.

“Would you?” he smiled weakly. “That’d be great. The debriefing won’t last long, I hope.” I watched him limping away.

Half an hour later he returned and we got into my car.

He struggled to find a good position in the passenger seat, spreading his legs wide to give his balls maximum freedom.

“So how did it go?” I asked.

“All in all it went fine”, he said. “I just hope that the swelling will be down by tomorrow. Katya said that my nuts didn’t look too good on TV the last twenty minutes or so.” He groaned and adjusted his crotch.

Five minutes later we arrived at his apartment.

“I could pick you up tomorrow and bring you to the studio”, I offered.

“Oh, that’d be awesome. I don’t think I’ll be in the mood for public transportation tomorrow”, he smiled weakly. “You know, all those handbags and umbrellas are definitely a threat. And I need my nuts in top shape for the show…”

I smiled. “See you tomorrow, Erik. Have a good night!”

I watched him as he slowly made his way to the door, walking bow-legged and stopping a couple of times to adjust his crotch.

The things we do for fame…