Thursday, October 25, 2012

A star is born

Featured in this story: Erik (click for pictures)

When I opened the door to the hospital room, I was expecting to see Erik lying in his hospital bed, staring into nowhere, a sad expression on his face, contemplating his fate. A week ago, the doctors had to operate on Erik’s left testicle after it had been damaged during the preparation for his new TV show. Unfortunately, they had to remove it.

Because of his stay in the hospital, Erik’s show had been taken away from him. So, in addition to losing 50% of his manhood, the 20 year old boy had lost 100% of his dreams. Naturally, Erik hadn’t been too happy about this turn of events, and my attempts at lifting his mood and getting him to look on the bright side (“It’s not all that bad, at least you have a nut left!” – “Working is show biz is overrated…” – “Okay, the ratings for the show were phenomenal, but that success is not gonna last forever! In four or five years, the hype will be over…”) had been in vain.

I had visited Erik every day since the operation. I knew how much it hurt him that Julian who had taken over his show as the new host didn’t even send a card. In fact, none of his new friends visited him. Apparently they were too occupied with celebrating their hit show. So Erik and I had spent most of the time playing cards and talking. We had discussed his decision not to get a fake testicle. And we had talked about what we expected from our friends. I had spent a couple of hours with him every day, trying to cheer him up and to be there for him.

So when I opened the door, I expected Erik to be his usual depressed self. Instead, I was met with roars of laughter and a stray ball that hit me dead-on in the crotch. It was tennis ball, and the thrower must have had professional training, because it knocked the wind right out of me. The door slammed shut behind me as I was thrown backward, clutching my crotch and screaming in pain.

“Whoohoo! I was aiming for one ball and I got two – how’s that for effectiveness?” I heard a male voice holler, followed by laughter and cheers.

I opened my eyes and tried to focus on the scene.

Erik was sitting right in front of me, his legs spread wide open, wearing only a pair of tighty-whities that did nothing to conceal the outline of his cock and his lone testicle resting underneath.

Opposite him, Jordan, the handsome male nurse who worked the day-shift this week, was sitting in a similar position. His white pants were lying by his side, and the prominent bulge in his ocean blue Calvin Kleins made for a perfect target. He was laughing at me, throwing his hands in the air in a victory pose. “I do get the points for that, right?”

Last week, there had been three more patients in the room with Erik: Chuck, a hot, 20-something quarterback who had gotten a silicone implant after he lost one of his balls in an accident on the football field; Darrell, a nerdy boy in his late teens who didn’t like to talk about his unspecified penile dysfunction; and Walter, an older man in his sixties with an enlarged prostate who talked about it day and night. Walter had been released yesterday and I took the opportunity to stumble to is bed, bent over, groaning in pain. I climbed on top of it and curled up in a ball, nursing my balls.

“No, you don’t”, Darrell objected and adjusted his horn-rimmed glasses. “You only get points if you hit Erik’s nut.”

“Yup”, quarterback Chuck nodded. He was filming the game with his iPhone and his eyes were glued to the display. “Rules are rules…”

“Aw man”, Jordan protested. “It was a perfect shot…”

Erik shrugged. “Well, good shot, wrong nuts. That’s the way it is…”

“But I get to throw again, okay?” Jordan said.

“Okay”, Erik said and reached for the tennis ball. “Even though that shot was way off target…”

Jordan shrugged and caught the ball. “Well, look at him, I’d say it was a bull’s eye…”

I groaned and changed my position on the bed, trying to relieve the throbbing pain in my testicles.

“Now, watch this”, Jordan said, grinning. He focussed on Erik’s crotch. “You know, that nut makes for a perfect target… Watch this!” He rubbed the tennis ball between his palms before sending the ball flying at Erik’s groin in a powerful overhand throw. It connected perfectly, landing right on the testicle and making Erik scream in pain and roll to his side.

“Yay!” Jordan rejoiced. “Splat! Right in the nut!”

Chuck and Darrell cheered.

“Ow, right on target”, Darrell chuckled.

“Perfect, man”, Chuck laughed.

Erik groaned, cradling his sore nugget. “You are ruining me, man!”

Jordan laughed. “Your turn, buddy.”

“Give me a minute”, Erik moaned and slowly straightened.

The pain in my nuts had subsided enough so I could sit up straight.

“Okay”, Erik said. “This one is gonna leave you crippled, my friend…”

Jordan grinned and spread his legs wider, adjusting his bulging crotch. “Bring it on…”

Erik ran his hand through his blond hair and bounced the tennis ball on ground a couple of times. Then he brought his arm back and slammed the ball at Jordan.

“Fuck!” Jordan yelped as the tennis ball hit the twin bulge in his underwear, squishing his tender testicles with enormous force and making his eyes bulge as he gasped for breath.

Erik, Darrell and Chuck roared with laughter.

“Yes! Yes! Yes!” Erik shouted. “Yes!”

Suddenly, the door opened and a middle-aged Indian doctor burst into the room. She had an irritated look on her face. “Will you please keep the noise down, there are---“

The boys went quiet, except for Jordan who was rocking back and forth, his hands buried inside his Calvin Kleins, clutching his testicles as if he was afraid they might roll away if he released them. “Oh fuck, oh fuck”, he was moaning.

“Nurse!” the doctor said sharply.

Jordan looked up, his face contorted in pain. “Dr. Chattopadhyay”, he groaned, blushing. “I--- This is--- I---“

The doctor shot Jordan a look that made me shiver. Then she turned on her heels and closed the door behind her.

After a moment of silence, Erik, Darrell and Chuck broke out in laughter.

“Have you seen the look on her face?” Chuck slapped his thighs.

“She’s gonna kill you!” Darrell cried.

“You better put your pants on and run after her”, Erik laughed.

“Oh fuck, Dr. Chattopadhyay has it in for me”, Jordan groaned, getting up as fast as he could. “This is gonna cost me…” He slipped into his pants and put on his shoes, stumbling out of the room. “See you later.”

A second later, the door opened again and Jordan said, “But don’t think that you have won, Erik! We’ll finish this game tonight when my shift is over!”

Erik, Darrell and Chuck cheered as Jordan closed the door again.

Chuck grinned and pointed at his phone. “This is going straight to Youtube!”

Erik grinned. “Make sure to write my name in the description. It’s gonna be a hit!” He grabbed a t-shirt and put it on before slipping into his bed.

I turned to him and raised my eyebrows. “What’s going on?”

Erik smiled at me. “What do you mean?”

I shook my head. “Yesterday you were whining about how you’d never be a man again, how no girl would take you seriously ever again, how Lefty was your favourite nut of all times – and now this?”

Erik chuckled. “Well, first of all, Lefty was alright. But Chuck told me that I can be fully functional with one ball. You should have seen the load he shot yesterday!”

Chuck grinned. “It was a big one…”

“And Jordan said that he’s had a lot of patients whose sex life went crazy after they had surgery”, Erik continued. “It’s a great pickup line: ‘Have you every had a guy with one nut?’ And do you know how many celebrities only have one testicle? Hugh Jackman, Johnny Depp, Ryan Reynolds, Bradley Cooper …”

I cleared my throat. “You are sure that Jordan didn’t make that up?”

Erik stared at me.

“Well”, I said quickly. “I’m sure he knows what he’s talking about…”

Erik’s face brightened. “And then there’s this…” He reached for his notebook, openened Google News and typed in his name. “The media is very interested in me. I have been on the phone and answering questions for hours. See?”

I looked at the screen as Erik opened a couple of articles. I had to hand it to those journalists, almost all of them included some kind of word play that referred to the state of Erik’s manhood.

One headline read “Some People Would Give Their Right Nut To Be In Show Biz – This Guy Gave His Left One”. Beneath it was a promotional picture for the show that had been taken before Erik’s accident, showing him fully nude, covering his crotch with his hands and winking at the camera. Another one was “Half Empty, Half Full – A Matter Of Perspective”. A third one read “Erik Hanson - The (Half-)Man Behind The Latest TV Craze”, accompanied by a picture obviously made in the hospital: Erik was lying in the hospital bed, a walnut in one hand, a nutcracker in his other hand, with a comically painful expression on his face.

“When did they take the picture?” I asked.

Erik smiled. “Chuck took it with his iPhone this morning, and Jordan provided us with the props.”

I grinned. “You are famous, now, Erik!”

Erik’s smile widened. “I know. Isn’t that great? And all it took was a tiny little testicle – well, not exactly tiny…”

I grimaced. “Well, I’m happy you look at it this way…”

“Oh”, Erik continued, closing his notebook. “And I have been getting a couple of pitches for new shows! I’m hot, Alex, I’m burning hot!”

I chuckled. “I know, Erik.”

“Hey, Erik”, Chuck said. “We’ve already got a thousand views on youtube!”

“Yay! That’s awesome!” Erik cheered.

Chuck grinned and added, “I’ve called it ‘One-nutted freak gets neutered for good’…”

Erik’s eyes widened. “You---“

“Just kidding”, Chuck laughed. “The name is ‘Erik Hanson hit in the nut’.”

“Nice”, Erik grinned and turned to me again. “My name is all over the web!”

I smiled. “Conratulations!”

“Oh, you gotta see the pitches”, Erik said and pointed to a pile of paper on the floor. “Jordan printed them for me.”

I picked up the pile and placed it on Erik’s lap.

“Ow, careful”, he grinned. “I don’t want to lose the last one, too…”

I raised my eyebrows. “Well, maybe you should quit playing nutball…”

Erik laughed and picked up a folder. He opened it and read, “’One Nut To Give’. It’s a soap opera.”

“A soap opera?”

Erik nodded. “I know. It’s rubbish.” He threw it into the wastepaper basket. “What about this, a game show: ‘Two vs. One’. A contestant challenges me to a series of nut-crunching dares.”


“You are right”, Erik sighed. “Two guys busting each others’ balls. Boring, huh? How often can you tell the same story and keep it interesting?”

I shrugged.

He threw it away. “What about this one: ‘The Quest For The Family Jewel’. Four teams compete against each other to---“ He flipped a couple of pages and cleared his throat. “Eh, I don’t like the ending…”

The folder landed on top of the others in the basket. Erik opened the last folder. “‘There can be only one’. Cheesy title, huh?”

“You are pretty picky”, I grinned.

“Of course”, he grinned and tentatively patted the blanket above his crotch. “That baby is gonna make me millions!”

Suddenly an idea popped into my head. “Listen, Erik”, I said. “I’m considering going back to the US.”

“Oh”, he said. “You sure?”

I sighed. “I kinda miss my old life”, I said. “You know I had that website, right? It was pretty successful. And I had a great time.”

“Then why did you come to Europe?” Erik asked.

“I guess I needed a change of scenery”, I answered. “But frankly, I miss the boys. And I don’t think there’s anything left here for me to do.” I paused. “So I was thinking: Have you ever considered moving to the United States?”

Erik stared at me.

I smiled. “I mean, now you are a star here, and that’s great. But just think of all the possibilities…”

Erik’s eyes lit up and I could see his mind working. “Oh man”, he said slowly. “That would be--- I mean, wow, I--- Really? I can’t---“

“You don’t have to decide right now, you know”, I said. “I’ll be here for another couple of months until I’ve taken care of everything. Take your time and think about it…”

The door opened and Jordan walked into the room. “Hey, guys”, he said, grinning weakly. He closed the door behind him. “Phew, Dr. Chattopadhyay really gave me a hard time. She lectured me about the dangers of my actions. That’s the way she put it: the dangers of my actions.” He shook his head. “Yadda yadda yadda.” He sighed. “Now, look what I brought! Someone left it at the reception for Erik. Apparently, your fans have found out where you are…” He held up a sticker. “You can put it on your car: ‘Honk if you lost a nut!’”

“Honk!” Erik chuckled.

“Honk!” Chuck added, laughing.

“Now who’s up for a game of Rock Paper Nuts?” Jordan yelled, dropping his pants.

“Get the camera rolling, Chuck!” Erik chuckled. He jumped out of his bed and slipped out of his t-shirt.

“Sure! Darrell, get the blindfolds”, Chuck grinned.

“I’ll be the ref!” Darrell cheered, cracking his knuckles.

Jordan clapped his hands and laughed. “This is gonna be good!”

“What do you say, Jordan, wanna make this a web sensation?” Erik grinned and took off his underwear, letting his cock and ball dangle as he shook his hips. “Naked bonus round!”

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