World Cup Testers: Brazil

Featured in this story: Leo (click for pictures)

Neymar da Silva Santos Júnior cracked his knuckles. “I’ve been looking forward to this”, he grinned. The Brazilian star soccer player was shirtless, wearing a pair of blue shorts, white socks and bright pink soccer cleats.

Millions of fans, male and female, were in awe of the 22 year old’s outstanding skills on the field. He was the top goal scorer for the Brazilian national team and the star of countless wet dreams worldwide.

Neymar was a great looking guy and he knew it. Every opportunity he got, he took off his jersey and showed the world his muscular abs and chest.

He had agreed to film a commercial for a healthy sum of money, and he looked like he was going to enjoy it.

“You just kick him in the nuts as hard as you can”, marketing consultant Kieran explained. The 23 year old had scored a million dollar deal with BULL’S EYE protective cups who wanted to break into the market and weren’t afraid of breaking a couple of balls in the process.

Kieran’s idea was simple. Step 1: Film famous soccer players kicking hot guys in the nuts. Step 2: Post the videos on youtube. And before you can say Step 3, the videos go viral and BULL’S EYE protects every single nut in the Northern hemisphere.

We had brought a couple of our models to Brazil to provide the nuts for Kieran’s marketing campaign. Money wasn’t an issue so we had been able to pay the guys extraordinarily well, and it seemed that they were looking forward to getting their balls smashed as much as the players were looking forward to smashing them.

Our skater boy Leo, 19 years old, tall and lanky with curly black hair and brown eyes, came out of the changing room, naked except for the product we were going to promote. He was wearing a jockstrap with a big, red bull’s eye on the front. In his right hand, he was holding the matching cup, a cheap plastic thing with a similar bull’s eye on it.

“Here are the balls”, Kieran smiled, pointing at Leo’s midsection.

Leo chuckled and wiggled his hips. “At your service.”

Neymar laughed.

Kieran looked at Chad. “Make sure you get a close-up of his nuts getting smashed.”

“Got it”, Chad nodded.

“I just kick them as hard as I can?” Neymar asked.

“Yeah”, Kieran said. “Here are your---“

In a picture-perfect display of overeagerness, the Brazilian soccer player kicked Leo’s balls with all the force he could muster. His instep collided with the poor skater boy’s bulging balls and flattened them against his pelvis, knocking the wind out of Leo’s lungs and lifting him off the ground.

An ear-piercing scream escaped Leo’s mouth as he landed on the ground again and instantly fell to his knees.

“---lines”, Kieran finished his sentence, grimacing in sympathy as he watched Leo curl up in a little ball.

Neymar turned around, grinning like a Cheshire cat. “There you go”, he said. “That was easy.”

Kieran cleared his throat. “Maybe we are going to be able to use this for the outtakes.”

Neymar looked at him.

“There are a few lines you say before you kick him”, Kieran explained.

“Oh”, Neymar said. “Ohhhhh.” He burst out laughing. “Alright.”

Kieran handed Neymar a piece of paper.

The Brazilian read them and nodded. “No problem.” He pointed at Leo who was curled up on the floor, whimpering in pain. “I guess we need a new pair of balls.”

Kieran looked at me.

I grimaced.

Kieran turned to Neymar and said, “I’m afraid that’s the only one we got.”

“Oh”, Neymar looked disappointed. “Alright then.” He looked at Leo and raised his eyebrows. “Can he get up?”

“Can you get up?” Kieran repeated.

“Sure”, Leo said in a strained voice.

Neymar waited impatiently as Leo assumed his position.

Kieran gave Neymar the cup. “Okay, go.”

Neymar looked at the camera, the most beautiful smile on his face. “Hi there, I’m Neymar and I’m going to show you what happens when you don’t wear a BULL’S EYE protective cup.” He held up the cup, glanced at it, laughed and threw it away.

Facing Leo, Neymar drew his leg back and sent it smashing in between Leo’s thighs. The tip of his foot collided with Leo’s nuts and made him double over instantly.

Neymar watched him for a moment before turning to the camera. “The first one was better”, he said. “Let’s do it again.”

Leo let out a soft moan.

“Make him get up”, Neymar said. “We don’t have all day.”

Kieran nodded and squatted down next to Leo. “Let’s do it again, alright?”

Leo groaned and slowly rose to his feet. His face was wet with sweat and he had an agonized expression on his face.

Neymar turned to face the camera and smiled. “Hi there, I’m Neymar and I’m going to show you what happens when you don’t wear a BULL’S EYE protective cup.”

He turned around, brought his leg back and kicked Leo’s balls as hard as he could.

Leo jumped into the air, screaming from the top of his lungs as his nuts were crunched by Neymar’s cleats.

“He jumped!” Neymar protested. “He jumped out of the way.”

Leo wailed in pain.

“I think you lifted him off the ground”, I said slowly.

“No”, Neymar shook his head. “He jumped out of the way. I didn’t even touch his nuts.”

I looked at Leo who was curled up in a ball, clutching his poor gonads. Judging from the sounds he was making, Neymar had scored a perfect hit.

But the Brazilian soccer star insisted, “He jumped out of the way!”

Kieran nodded. “He can’t do that. It’ll look like a fake.”

Neymar grinned.

“Let’s do it again”, Kieran said.

Leo let out a whimper. It took him quite a long time to get back into position this time.
He was breathing heavily and his naked, pale body was glistening with sweat. The bull’s eye on his jockstrap was bulging with his throbbing testicles.

Neymar held up the protective cup and smiled at the camera. “Hi there, I’m Neymar and I’m going to show you what happens when you don’t wear a BULL’S EYE protective cup.”

He turned around and looked at Leo’s balls, eyeing his target. With a derisive smirk, he drew his leg back. He kicked Leo’s nuts as hard as he could, smashing the skater’s poor gonads into his body and flattening them like pancakes.

Leo’s eyes turned inward and his mouth dropped open. A throaty, wheezing groan escaped his lips. In slow-motion, his hands found his crotch, cupping his balls lovingly as Leo looked down at his smashed nuts, a shocked expression on his face.

“Oooooooh”, Leo whispered almost inaudibly.

Neymar turned to the camera as Leo slowly sank to his knees, groaning in pain.

Neymar cringed in mock-sympathy, cupping his own crotch, his feet turning inward. “Oooohh”, he imitated Leo, a goofy cross-eyed look on his face. Then he burst out laughing.

“You better wear a BULL’S EYE protective cup!” Neymar laughed and winked at the camera.

“Great!” Kieran smiled. “That was awesome! You really kicked those nuts in!”

Neymar shrugged and smiled. “I kick balls for a living, right?”

Kieran chuckled.

An hour later, we were heading for the hotel. Leo was grimacing in pain, an ice pack on his crotch.

“You did great”, Kieran said. “Now you get to enjoy a couple of days here in Brazil.”

He turned to me and asked, “What’s next on our list?”

I looked it up. “The Netherlands”, I said. “We’re going to meet their goalkeeper, Jasper Cillessen, tomorrow.”